


i wouldn't be able to feel love if it wasn't for breaking rules

by smc_27



Category: One Tree Hill
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 08:19:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14564886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smc_27/pseuds/smc_27
Summary: The really, really messed up thing that’s still in his head as he shoots around alone on the River Court the next morning, is that he wanted to tell her he was jealous, and he stopped himself because he knew the words would open up a whole bunch of doors neither of them are gonna want to go through. She’d either be pissed at him and tell him he has no right (and she’d be right about that, too), or she’d look at him like she already knew and liked it.And then what?





	i wouldn't be able to feel love if it wasn't for breaking rules

She started drinking bourbon after Lucas left. 

They weren’t even anything - he was engaged to someone else - and she thinks it’s mostly embarrassment that had her drinking at least one too many every night for a while there. God, she acted like such an idiot, coming back to town and thinking...Well, whatever she thought might happen between them, as if she’d never left at all.

When it was his turn, he went off to Toronto to some artists live/work residence and to be mentored by this important person or…

Whatever. It looked like running, and he hasn’t been back for more than a weekend here or there since. 

It’s been a year, and she’s over it. Really and truly over it in a way that she’s never felt before. They’re _done_. He could’ve had her. His relationship ended, and he knew how she felt, and he could’ve had her. He left. 

She’s done. 

She knows she’s got a reputation as the saddest girl in town, but she doesn’t give a fuck what people think. She’s a successful business owner, owns a house in the new development by the water, and she’s building exactly the life she’s always wanted. If that doesn’t include him, that’s just fine by her. 

Her time is filled by work and friends and _work_ , so you’d think she wouldn’t have much opportunity to sit and feel lonely, but every night when she walks into the empty house she loves more than any place she’s ever lived, she feels like everything’s all backwards. She should be messing around with guys and not worrying about mortgage payments and running a staff of people and booking distribution dates and meetings in L.A. every couple months. She’s young and everyone she knows, outside of her weird little bubble in Tree Hill, is just barely getting their lives together. They’re living in shitty apartments and working for just enough money to afford ramen and a night out every couple weeks. 

She pours herself some Maker’s Mark and leans back against her kitchen counter. There’s a stack of mail across from her. A couple bills and a direct mailer for Brooke’s boutique, as though she didn’t help design the damn thing. 

No one texts her all night and she gets into bed alone.

… … …

Sometimes they get into bed at night and Haley turns her back and doesn’t say a word to him and he just lies there wondering what their therapist would think if she knew this shit happened. And maybe he’s too good to Haley or something, because he never brings it up with her or in their sessions. The really messed up thing is he sometimes wonders if he doesn’t bring it up because he doesn’t actually care. But that makes him sound like an asshole. And the rest of the time, they get into bed together and talk or have sex or at least say goodnight, so it’s not a big deal, maybe. 

He still feels like she doesn’t trust him. He still wonders if she’s right not to. 

This past couple years haven’t exactly made him out to be some amazing husband. Or amazing person, for that matter. 

He’s trying to get back to liking himself. What’s freaking him out is he can’t figure out when he stopped, which makes him think it was a long ass time ago and he just didn’t realize it.

… … … 

Lucas was visiting on the weekend, but so was her father, and so the excuse not to be around everyone was easy this time. Sometimes she gets away with ‘I’m busy with work’, but sometimes she’s forced to go have drinks or make an appearance when he’s around. Mostly because she’ll be damned if she lets him or anyone else think she doesn’t have it in her to do it. 

She’s dropping her dad off at the airport when Nathan’s dropping Lucas off. She waves at the both of them and Lucas gives her this weird look she doesn’t care to read much into. Really, what she’s thinking is that it’s nice that he won’t be able to doubt for a second that she was telling the truth and her dad really was in town. 

Nathan shouts at her from his car window, says, “I’m coming over for coffee,” and she laughs and lets him follow her home. She’s got a fancy espresso machine - it came with the house - and Nathan’s jealous as hell about it and uses every excuse to pop over for a cup, though she lives further across town than any of the rest of their friends. 

He walks right in, because he’s one of the few people in her life who doesn’t need to knock. The others are Brooke and Haley, of course, and Skills, who’s been an awesome friend to her since she came back from L.A. Nathan and Haley have a key, because Haley often comes to water the plants and get her mail when Peyton’s out of town.

“What’s up?” he asks, and she pulls a couple mugs down from the cupboard. “Lucas wanted me to tell you he says hi.”

She rolls her eyes. “Yeah, that deer-in-the-headlights look didn’t exactly scream ‘good to see you, Peyton’.” Nathan chuckles, leans his elbows on her kitchen island. “Good visit, though?”

“Good enough. He just comes here and hovers around me like I’m gonna break any second because I’m not playing in the league.” 

Yeah, she knows how much he hates that. She’s one of the only people who’s never treated him with kid gloves. Maybe since she saw him at his absolute fucking _worst_ when he was younger and there’s nowhere to go but up from there. She supports him completely, but there’s no reason to push something that isn’t going to happen, and he’s also one of the stronger people she knows. This didn’t happen for him, so something else will. Simple as that, really. And it’s the story of all their lives, and probably everyones’ lives. Hell, she wanted to be a famous artist when she was younger. She hasn’t exactly settled for a second-rate dream, here. 

She serves up his cappuccino and watches - as she always does - as he takes his first sip. He doesn’t react the way he normally does. Something’s off. 

She’s squinting at him when he glances back up at her. “What?” he asks. 

“What’s with you?” He goes to say something, but she cuts him off. “Something’s wrong.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way.” Yeah, usually when Nathan says something like that, he’s about to piss her off. History’s proven that. “I thought it’d be weird to see you two together. When you first moved back, I mean.” Okay, that’s confusing. “Oh, come on, Peyton.” He laughs a little but she’s pretty much frozen, standing here with her Americano in her hand and the island between them. “Name one person who didn’t think…”

“Nathan.” It’s a warning. He hears it.

“I’m just saying. Now it’s like, I know you, and I know him, and I can’t fucking imagine the two of you in a relationship.”

He’s dead serious and she knows the smirk he throws on is just to make it seem like he’s not being a dick. He’s not, and she gets that. 

And when she says, “Me too,” it comes out quiet, but it’s the truth and she’s never said anything like that out loud before. This is also pretty much the most serious conversation she’s had with him on this particular topic in about 6 years.

After a few moments, he jumps in talking about how Jamie’s convinced he’s spending part of the summer with the James’ in their ‘fucking lemon of an RV’, and Peyton’s laughing so hard she actually has to tell him to stop.

… … …

He’s sitting on Whitey’s front porch drinking sweet tea and talking about basketball, and he can see the old man slowing down and it scares the hell out of him. This guy’s been in Nathan’s life for so long and it’s hard to imagine what it’ll be like once he’s gone. 

Whitey asks about Lucas, as though he didn’t just see him the other day. When Nathan says that, Whitey gets grumpy the way he always used to and says, “You know damn well what I mean, Nathan,” and all Nathan can do is smile. 

“He’s good. He likes it up there. I think he’s lonely.”

“Huh,” Whitey says, almost laughing. “Think that’s always been that boy’s problem. He could be in a crowd of a hundred and feel all alone.”

Nathan sips his drink because he doesn’t know what the hell he’s supposed to say to that. “What about me?” he asks because he can’t help it. “What’s my problem?”

Whitey looks at him like he’s surprised at the question, like he’s concerned he’s even heard it, and then looks out across the yard again. 

“You’ve just always been your own worst enemy,” Whitey says, and yeah, it’s not like that’s news or anything. “Won’t just get out of your own way for a half a minute.” Nathan thinks about that. He doesn’t know what it means, really, but knows it’s definitely true. “And your temper’s piss poor.”

Nathan laughs and Whitey smiles. 

Nathan laughs because that’s probably the root of everything and the reason his life’s as fucked up as it is. 

… … … 

She’s watching Jamie for a couple hours, because when you’re friends with Haley you pretty much become a babysitter whether you want to or not. She doesn’t mind, but a little more notice wouldn’t be the worst thing she can imagine. Getting a call from Haley when she’s on her way to the studio isn’t always Peyton’s favourite thing. But Haley’s got access to the calendar and can see when Peyton’s busy and when she isn’t. Unfortunately, for the last couple weeks she’s had barely anything going on, which is how she’s got a child wandering around the room asking her if they can listen to Michael Jackson next.

When Haley walks back in to pick up her kid, there’s a guy trailing behind her, and Peyton rolls her eyes and turns her back, because Haley’s about as subtle as a fucking Leer jet. This guy teaches at the community college and Haley knows him because she’s been doing some guidance counseling. He looks like he’s about 30, and he’s not unattractive, but Peyton doesn’t appreciate the ambush.

“You remember Dustin,” Haley says. Peyton has two thoughts: 1, no she doesn’t, because they’ve never actually met, and 2, as if she’d ever date a guy named Dustin. 

“Peyton,” she says, extending her hand, instead of being rude or snotty. That’s tempting, though. “Nice to meet you.”

“Happy hour,” he says, though no one asked, and also, Peyton knows because she manages the bar. “Haley asked if I’d ever been back here. This is seriously cool.”

“Thanks.” Peyton shoots Haley a look when Dustin is glancing around the studio. Jamie’s packing up his things. “He had some printing stuff to do. Handwriting, or whatever. I helped him, so that just needs your initials.”

Haley smiles and picks up her son. “Thank you, Peyton,” she says in a sing-song. “Well, sorry to intro and leave, but this one’s due for dinner and I think Nathan’s cooking. You two should have a drink!” 

She calls that last bit over her shoulder, and Peyton wants to shout back at her to take Dustin with her. 

“That was...I didn’t think she was going to try to…”

Peyton laughs at the guy’s stuttering. “I knew from the second she walked in here with you.” He looks like he’s bothered she said that. Buck up, buddy. She doesn’t owe him a damn thing. “I’ve actually got a meeting, so you can get back to happy hour. No hard feelings.”

He walks out with a bewildered look on his face, and Peyton leaves and heads home, but messages Haley when she gets there and tells her friend to stop _trying_ so hard. 

If she wanted to be with someone, she would be. She’s not single because of lack of opportunity.

… … …

He never in a million years would have thought that his ex-girlfriend would become one of his best friends, but here they are. Honestly, he wouldn’t have thought it if you’d asked him even a year ago. There’s just _so much_ surrounding them in terms of history - their own and hers with his brother - that it makes absolutely no sense at all for them to get each other the way they do. 

She’s the only person he can have more than one drink around and not have questioning his sobriety. And yeah, he thinks that’s partly because every time she has a sip of alcohol in public everyone acts like she’s drinking away her heartbreak. 

Nathan knows good and damn well that she’s over Lucas and it pisses her off because no one else seems to really believe that. 

He likes this, too, though. He likes that she’ll hang out with him and his kid and his wife and not act like there’s a million years of fucked up drama between them all. It’s water under the bridge, maybe. 

Jamie’s in the pool and the adults are sitting in the shade of an umbrella and Peyton looks pretty happy here. Haley nudges him with her arm and he smiles at her and this feels right, somehow. 

… … ...

She finds out that Brooke’s been secretly dating Julian, and it gets to her far more than it should. She doesn’t care about Julian and has barely given two thoughts about him since L.A. It’s not about him. Or it’s not all about him. Mostly it’s about Brooke keeping things from her, treating her like she can’t handle it. And when she confronts Brooke about it, the response she gets makes her so damn mad she actually leaves Brooke’s house and needs the time to cool off.

“It’s not like you’ve got a great track record finding out I’m dating your exes. Or that anyone is.”

That first sentence is so fucking ridiculous Peyton feels like she’s going to rage, and the second is a low blow only meant to hurt her. The best thing she can do is walk away, or she’s going to say something equally as mean, or meaner. As pissed as she is, that wouldn’t be fair.

This thing’s been happening, too, where any time Brooke and Peyton have a little tiff, because that happens regularly enough that she sees a pattern, Haley is at Brooke’s house within the half hour. They never have massive blow outs like they used to, and she knows this’ll be over in a day or two, but Brooke and Haley have always been a little closer than people like to think. 

Peyton literally passes Haley on the road as she’s driving to see Nathan. They wave at each other and it’s really no big deal, but it almost makes her laugh. It’s one of those times she’s reminded how young they all are, that arguments like this still happen. 

There’s no one inside the house when she gets there, but she spots Nathan through the window in the backyard cleaning the pool. He’s got his shirt off and his earbuds in, but he takes them out when she steps into the yard. 

“What’s up?”

“Nothing,” she lies. She glances around the yard, but the only thing near him is a pile of leaves and crap he’s fishing out of the pool. “Where’s Jamie?”

He gets all wide-eyed and panicky, says, “Fuck!” and drops the pool skimmer, and as soon as Peyton’s jaw has dropped because he’s obviously forgotten his own kid somewhere, Nathan starts laughing and shakes his head. “He’s with my mom. I’m not a shitty dad.” 

Peyton rolls her eyes and drops her bag on the table they have out here. “You’re a dick.”

“That, I’ll admit to.” 

Peyton sits at the edge of the pool and lets her feet dip into the water. It feels pretty nice. “Brooke and I got into a thing.”

Nathan lets out his breath and nods. “Yeah, Haley went over there. Something about this guy she’s seeing?”

Peyton tilts her head and narrows her eyes. Nathan just smirks, which should piss her off, but it doesn’t. He knows damn well who ‘this guy’ is, and he’s downplaying it for the sake of being a little shit. “She’s in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend. Again. And it’s apparently serious and she didn’t tell me.”

“I mean…” By now, he’s sitting next to her. She can tell he hasn’t shaved today and thinks it’s a good look on him. But she’s not gonna tell him that, because his ego doesn’t need any help.

He also doesn’t finish his sentence, and instead just sits there looking at the water. 

“What?” she asks, despite the fact that she doesn’t really want to know. She just wants him to take her side. 

He shrugs. “Sneaking around? Seems familiar. Just going the other way this time.”

“Fuck you, Nathan.” Yeah, he’s literally the only person in her life she can talk to like this and know it won’t mess anything up. How she’s more honest with him than anyone else, she has no idea. She also doesn’t want to look too much into that, because it’s just the way it is and it’s not worth analyzing. “That was years ago, and Lucas and I were…”

“Were what?” he asks, and it’s like he wants to make her say it as much as possible, or something. He’s been hanging out with Haley too much. 

“You know what.” She wants to snap at him, but she doesn’t, by some miracle. And he’s testing her to see if she’ll say it, and she’ll be damned if she lets him think for a hot damn second that she won’t. “We were in love and she knew that and was…”

“In the way.” That’s not what she was going to say, but it’s not wrong. When she was 16, that’s totally how she felt. “This isn’t like that.”

“That’s what I was saying,” she reminds him. “You made it about that, and I’m pretty sick of everyone acting like all the world’s problems stem from me and Lucas.” 

 

“Not all the world’s problems,” he says, bumping his shoulder against hers. “Just your problems.” She says his name, but he doesn’t stop. “Come on, Peyton. Julian was yours in a way Lucas wasn’t. It’s okay to admit you wanted something or someone to not have anything to do with any of your past shit here.”

Nathan knows the whole story of what happened with Julian - how they got together and how they broke up. It had a whole lot to do with her past shit. 

She leans her head on his shoulder. She doesn’t feel much better about any of this, but he’s not gonna kick her out any time soon, so she figures she’s got some time to talk it through. 

“It’d just be nice if something could ever just be _over_ ,” she admits quietly, and maybe that’s the whole problem. She and Brooke are best friends, but there’re still old wounds that come up sometimes when Lucas is mentioned, or when they talk about their parents, or senior year, or any number of things they’ve gone through. It’s exhausting carrying around all this baggage. “I can’t escape Lucas, and I can’t escape Julian. What’s next, is Jake gonna come back to town?” 

Nathan chuckles and puts his arm around her. “I could make some calls. You two were pretty intense back in the day.”

Peyton scoffs. “All my relationships are intense. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” 

 

“Nothing’s wrong with you,” he laughs. “I guess all your breakups can’t be as clean and drama free as ours was.”

She feels like pushing him into the pool. She rolls her eyes instead and asks if he wants a beer, because she’s getting one and she doesn’t feel like drinking alone but she will if she has to. She thinks he accepts out of pity, but she ignores that. They sit with their feet in the pool and she can tell he’s holding something back, not saying something he wants to say. 

“Nathan, you’re about as moody as I can handle right now. Just say what’s on your mind.”

“Our breakup was a disaster.” Under any other circumstances, she’d laugh. But he’s being serious and, god, maybe it’s been literal years since they talked about this. Becuase why would they? It’s weird that he wants to do it now. “I can imagine how you feel about Brooke dating him, because that’s what I felt after us.”

She doesn’t know which ‘him’ he’s talking about. Doesn’t matter. And honestly, their relationship was so long ago that it’s striking to hear him use the word ‘us’ to describe them. They’ve been friends for so long but it sounds so different in this context. He’ll regularly make lewd comments about what they used to get up to when they were younger, but that’s just Nathan. This is different than that.

“No offence, or anything, but I didn’t think you cared,” she admits quietly, raising her feet up out of the water, chipped toenail polish and all. She and Brooke are supposed to go for pedicures on Sunday. 

“Yeah,” Nathan says, nodding a bit. He smiles sadly, looks over at her. “I know you didn’t.”

She just stares at him. That sounded like an apology. Which is a bit messed up, because it’s the first time he’s really ever given her one. She’s never asked and didn’t think she really needed one. But she still finds this is nice to hear. 

… … …

Haley takes his hand in therapy after she’s brought up the whole situation with Brooke and Julian and Peyton and said it was a nice indicator that maybe the drama has switched from them to someone else. She also said that it made her realize that everyone’s got conflict and there’s nothing wrong with that and it’s all how you deal with it. 

Nathan says, “I’m worried about Peyton,” and Haley squeezes his hand and looks at him like he’s being sweet. Maybe he is.

But it’s true. Their conversation last night made him pause and realize that she probably thinks she’s some kind of unlovable woman, or something, at this point. The things he said, he meant, and they were probably overdue, and he thinks this place is as good as any to talk about that. 

“She’s been through a lot of shit. It like, never stops.”

There’s a pause and Haley’s just looking at him, waiting. It’s her, not the therapist who asks, “Do you feel guilty about that?”

He shrugs his shoulder, which is a thing they both want him to work on not doing. “A little, yeah. I mean, I was part of the problem when we were kids. The rest of it’s not my fault.”

“It’s not,” their doctor confirms. She’s trying to do that, too - to get him to realize that he can’t control everything, not even the way people feel about him and he has to let them feel how they’re gonna feel. “Do you think she’s still in love with him?” 

Him who? Lucas? Julian? 

“No,” Haley supplies. He thinks she’s talking about Julian. “I think part of her just wants everyone to love her so badly and she doesn’t know what to do when they don’t.” 

Nathan doesn’t say anything. He isn’t entirely sure why they’re still talking about Peyton, but he doesn’t want to shut it down, either, or he’ll be told he’s not open to critical conversations, or something.

… … ...

She expects Brooke to show up at her door. It’s what usually happens. One of them goes to the other after a spat and they work it out. But it’s been two days and she had to cover a shift at the bar yesterday after Chase got food poisoning. When she got home yesterday, she took a bath and had a drink and went to bed. When there’s a knock at her door, she shouts, “Come in!” because she knows who it is. 

When she turns around and Julian is standing in her foyer with flowers, her breath catches first and then she realizes how nervous he looks second. 

“Hi.”

“Hey.” He’s smirking like he usually does, and fuck it’s so weird to do this with him when this exact thing two years ago would have meant something so different. 

He used to get her flowers all the time. 

“Are those from you or her?” she asks, because it feels important, for some reason. 

“Her idea. I picked them out.” 

She could tell. She told him once that it’s absolutely ridiculous that flowers can be engineered to come in so many completely unnatural colours, and he hasn’t gotten her a traditional bouquet since. He’s holding bright blue carnations.

“What are you doing here?” She takes the flowers from him, wishes she didn’t feel so fucking nostalgic about it. Does she even have a vase here? 

No one’s gotten her flowers in so long, she hasn’t had a need for one. 

“Checking up on you. Wanted to talk.” Yeah, she figured. “I know this is messed up. I didn’t plan this.”

She laughs a bit, looking through her cupboards. Peyton puts her hand on her hip and glances at him. “What _did_ you plan?”

“To get you back,” he says, straight faced.

This is such a messed up cycle of people wanting someone they can’t have, it’s almost poetic. She came here for Lucas, Julian came here for her. It’s like a game of cat and mouse where everyone’s actually blind, or the mouse is an illusion, or something. Maybe an appropriate metaphor for this doesn’t exist.

“Somewhere between then and now, I got over you.” Peyton gives up on the vase, drops the flowers in a water pitcher and turns on the tap. She clenches her teeth. She didn’t expect him to be so honest. She probably should have. “And Brooke’s…”

“I know that,” she says. “I know what she is. I know how easy it is for people to fall for her.”

He blushes and looks to the ground. Honestly, she said that just to call him out a little. She didn’t think he’d admit it. 

Fuck. 

“I’m sorry you’re hurt,” he tells her, and he means it, she can tell. She likes that, at least. “But I’m not gonna mess up a good thing over you.”

“Jesus, Julian.” He’s always been blunt with her, almost to a fault. She admires that. This hits her heart in a way she wasn’t prepared for. 

Maybe she’s the most selfish woman on the planet. 

“And I know you’re not gonna ask her to do that, either.” True. “So get over your hissy fit and go get your nails done, or whatever.” Peyton’s brow goes up questioningly. “I saw it on her calendar.”

She smiles and looks to the ground. She’s completely overreacting. Projecting. A bunch of other terms a therapist would use if she had one. 

She bites her lip a bit and then makes eye contact with him again. 

“Thanks for the flowers.” 

Julian grins, nods at her, and turns to leave. 

… … …

She walks onto the River Court and catches Nathan’s rebound. Skills is there, looking amused that she’s come here with such purpose, or something. Nathan just waits for whatever the thing is she’s gonna say or do. He’s seen this enough times - directed at him and other people - to know she didn’t just come here to shoot around.

“Am I selfish?” she asks, looking directly at him. 

Skills says, “Yes,” even though he wasn’t asked, and she cuts him a look that lets him know she doesn’t appreciate it. Nathan doesn’t mean to grin, but he’s having flashbacks to her being 15 and angry at the world. 

It’s probably not healthy that she’s still doing it, but fuck. He’s no expert. 

Nathan shrugs, grabs the ball back from her. “Sometimes. So what?”

It’s what he’s learning - it’s okay to be a little selfish sometimes. There’s nothing wrong with it when no one’s getting hurt. And like, looking out for yourself doesn’t mean you don’t care about other people. Self care and selfishness are two different things.

She flips her middle finger up at Skills and they both laugh when she starts walking away. 

… … …

It’s a few days later and she’s sitting with Nathan on her deck watching boats come and go, and he asks, “What was that about the other day?” 

“Julian and Brooke. And Lucas. And probably Lindsey, really.” 

“So like, your entire adult life?”

God, when he puts it that way…

Peyton sighs, tips her head back against her chair. “I’m a horrible person.”

Nathan almost groans. “You are not. You’re just going through it. Happens to everyone.”

“Yeah, well you seem to have gotten through it pretty freakin’ quickly, and yet here I am.” 

He doesn’t look at her or anything, just says, “I’ve been going through it since like, junior year.”

She doesn’t know what that means, but she knows him, and she figures if he wants to talk about it further, he’ll tell her. His body language says to leave it alone. He sips from his glass of bourbon and looks straight out over the water. 

It’s a few minutes before she asks, “Everything okay, Nate?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” he says, and the way he’s looking at her when he turns his head...She can’t tell if he’s daring her to push the issue, or to drop it. 

She pauses a few minutes before she asks if he wants a refill. He just hands her his glass, and she thinks that maybe they could both stand to stop doing this thing where they drink together. He used to always say no. He’s been saying yes more recently. 

… … …

His kid’s on the phone with Lucas and Nathan’s trying to remind Jamie that he’s gotta hold the phone a certain way or all Lucas can see is the inside of the kid’s nose. Jamie laughs and Lucas makes some grossed out sound and says something about snot, and Nathan just rolls his eyes and wanders back to the kitchen to continue making his son a bedtime snack. 

Nathan’s back is to them when Jamie starts talking about hanging out with Peyton the other day and drawing with her in her office. He looks over his shoulder just in time to see the like, adoring look on Lucas’ face. He knows Lucas doesn’t want to be with her, but Nathan’s pretty sure the guy will always have all these things he loves about her. Like her art and how huge a part of her life that is, even now. 

He calls back after Jamie’s sleeping. Haley’s at the studio with Peyton doing some recording and Nathan’s enjoying the time alone just sitting in his house, to be honest. 

“I gotta ask,” Nathan says, and Lucas makes some sound on the other end of the line. “What exactly was running through your head when Jamie mentioned Peyton?” 

It’s important, okay? It’s been bugging him for an hour and he wants to know. 

“She’s good with kids. I like that she hangs out with him.” 

“That’s it?”

“Yeah, man. That’s it. What’s this about?” Lucas sounds confused. That makes sense. 

“Just wanna make sure you’re both cool.” Lucas hums a bit like he doesn’t believe it, or something. “I don’t think any of us can survive another round of ‘will they, won’t they’. Least of all the two of you.” 

Lucas chuckles, but it’s a bit sad, a bit awkward. “Not gonna happen, brother.”

“That’s all I wanted to know.” 

And yeah, for some reason, it was really fucking important that he hear that.

… … ...

The thing about having a one night stand in a small town is that it’s never, ever just between you and the person you sleep with. Which she maybe should have considered before she fell into bed with this guy, but, ya know, she just wasn’t thinking about that when they were at Tric and he leaned down, lips pressing against her ear, and told her what he wanted to do with his mouth. 

That said, she really, really wasn’t expecting to see the guy ever again, as he said he was just blowing through town for work. 

Sitting in the stands at the Ravens’ game on Friday night and remembering the things the opposing team’s coach did to you the night before makes for a pretty awkward evening. 

Brooke absolutely _cackles_ when she asks Peyton what’s wrong and gets the story. Then she congratulates Peyton on it, because yeah, Andreas is really freaking attractive and Peyton wouldn’t have brought him home if that wasn’t the case.

Telling her best friend isn’t exactly a mistake, per se, but Brooke can’t seem to keep her comments and jokes to herself, and after the Ravens win, they’re all just sort of hanging out and waiting for Nathan and Skills. Brooke’s so shameless that at one point Haley has to put her hands over Jamie’s ears and give the woman a stern reminder that there are _children here_.

“What’s so funny?” Nathan asks, and Julian just shakes his head like Nathan doesn’t really want to know. 

For the first time, Peyton’s sort of regretting her hookup, and regret isn’t a thing she likes to feel about sex. She likes to consider herself an empowered woman, and honestly, there’s no reason to feel badly about her actions. Yet the way Nathan’s looking at them all like he wants the full story is making her feel like she did something wrong. 

It’s not til later, when they’re all hanging out at his and Haley’s place, that Nathan gets her alone so he can ask for himself. 

“So what’s with the secrets and the guilty look on your face earlier?”

And you know what? Maybe part of being accountable for your actions is just putting it all out there and being honest with the people you care about. 

“Don’t get mad.” His brow furrows like he had no idea any of this would actually impact him. She glances around to make sure no one’s listening in; they’re all caught up in other conversations, scattered around the backyard. “I slept with Andreas.”

He pulls back a bit, pauses, then blows out his breath. It’s almost a laugh. “Okay.”

“Nathan, I…”

“Look, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. I just didn’t realize you were ready to start fucking around.” 

Okay, crass. 

She asks, “What difference does it make if you knew?” because it feels super important to know the answer. He just shakes his head. He’s like, actually pissed. “I didn’t know he was the competition.” 

Nathan laughs, shakes his head. “If you think that’s what bothers me, you don’t know what’s going on here.” 

He sips his water and then crosses his arms. Peyton turns to face him. “Okay, what the hell?”

He takes a deep breath, his eyes searching her face, then runs his palms down over his cheeks, pushes his fingers through his hair. This feels like when they were younger and he’d close up and not tell her things. She did the same. It’s why they were toxic.

“I dunno. I’m being stupid. I feel weird that I didn’t know you wanted to do that.”

She tilts her head. “A woman has needs, Nathan.”

He smirks, then. “Oh, I’m pretty familiar with your needs.” Her eyes go wide and she swats at his arm. Asshole! 

“I can’t believe you still say stuff like that to me.” 

“I can’t believe you feel weird talking about sex with me considering how much of it we used to have.” 

Peyton rolls her eyes, shoves at his chest, and walks away as he laughs. 

Look, it’s not like she makes a habit of thinking about the sex she used to have with him. It’s been _years_ , and their relationship, in hindsight, was like, really stupid. And honestly, she’s a little surprised he said those things, because he’s married and has been since literally months after their breakup. But then again, he’s always been able to casually make those comments. It’s her who feels weird about it. 

She’s never stopped to wonder why that is. 

… … …

Look, he doesn’t know why he said it or why he went there. It was totally unnecessary to bring shit up with her that’s better left swept under the rug. It’s not like they’ve never talked about it, or that it’s some big secret no one can stand to hear about, but they pretty much just don’t, because why would they? What’s the point?

The point is, he’s jealous.

Yeah, it’s fucking him up, too.

Every single thing about it makes no sense. He’s married, and she’s his best friend at this point, and she’s not in a relationship with anyone, and he’s got no reason to be pissed even on Lucas’ behalf. Jealousy comes at him from left field on this one. 

But he knows that the second she told him she slept with that guy, all he could feel was anger. It reminded him of being a kid and someone on the team talking about how hot Peyton was and him wanting to fight. And yeah, he played that off with her last night like he just didn’t know, like he was maybe just bothered that she hadn’t told him she was ready to start dating again, or whatever. They’re friends and she could have said something. Like, shit, they hang out a couple times a week and she never mentioned a thing. But then he realizes he didn’t feel this way about Brooke when she started dating. She’s his friend, too. He sure as hell doesn’t care about what Haley’s sisters do without telling him a damn thing, and they’re his family. 

It’s not about friendship and secrets, it’s about Peyton. 

She was totally right to call him out on the thing he said, too. That it wasn’t about Andreas being the competition. He shouldn’t have fucking said that. 

The really, really messed up thing that’s still in his head as he shoots around alone on the River Court the next morning, is that he _wanted_ to tell her he was jealous, and he stopped himself because he knew the words would open up a whole bunch of doors neither of them are gonna want to go through. She’d either be pissed at him and tell him he has no right (and she’d be right about that, too), or she’d look at him like she already knew and _liked it_.

And then what?

… … …

Okay, so she’s a little drunk. 

Ugh. 

It’s an accident, she swears. Well, not an accident, really, she just didn’t plan it and then it happened and now Chase is sitting on the fire escape at Tric with her, and god, he’s really attractive and she’s always honestly thought so. She doesn’t want to do anything that’ll mess a single thing up, but he’s a cutie and a really good guy and they have zero chemistry as anything more than barely friends, but…

“What?” he laughs, and she realizes she’s been staring. She just shakes her head. God, she’s stupid. “Been doing a lot of this. Anything you wanna talk about?”

“No.” She didn’t mean to answer so quickly. Probably gives her away and proves she’s got things on her mind. 

“Okay. Anything you wanna talk to someone else about?” 

“Like who?” she laughs, and maybe that’s the thing, really. She’s so fucking _lonely_ that she stays at Tric after work because she doesn’t want to go home to silence just yet. Brooke’s got Julian now and she just feels like… “I just don’t want to be alone.” 

“I hear that.” Okay, so she cuts him a look that might be a little harsh. Because if he’s implying that the should… He starts laughing. “Don’t worry. I don’t want to be with you, either.” Peyton buries her face in her hands. “You do realize we’re like, super young, right? This town’s creepy obsession with settling down before 25 is really gross.” 

She finds herself smiling, then. He’s absolutely right and she loves that he said it out loud. God, the fact that she and all her friends own properties at the ages they are is like, a huge exception to the rule. 

“You’re smart.” 

“I know,” he says, and she smiles at that, too. She still feels way too drunk for this conversation. Or maybe any conversation. “Want me to call you a cab?”

Peyton shakes her head. She’ll get one later, but she wants to tidy up her office before going home. She meant to do that earlier, but then her day ended with a frustrating call from an agent who owes her a favour he doesn’t seem to want to make good on (yet still asks things of her). She’d meant to just have a beer and go back to her office, but, well.

“I’m gonna stick around.” 

“I’m gonna cut you off,” he says seriously, but like he’s not sure how she’ll react to it. She just nods. What argument does she have for that? 

He helps her up off the steps and walks with her back to her office before heading to the bar again. She pulls the doors closed and runs her fingers through her hair, and distracts herself with organizing her desk so she doesn’t think too hard about when she became a person who didn’t like being by herself.

… … …

Peyton apparently mentioned in passing something about her garage door not working, and Haley offers up his help to go fix it. Which is weird because why the hell would she think he knows how to do it?

Haley’s standing in their kitchen, her coffee cup hiding the mischievous look on her face when he asks what the deal is. 

“You’re her best friend,” she says, like that’s some kind of explanation. 

“Brooke’s her best friend.” Haley tilts her head like he’s stupid for saying that. Really, he thinks they’re both right. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Apparently she was drunk at Tric the other night. And a few nights before that. And the time she hooked up with that guy.” Okay, the mischief has changed to concern. She’s not alone in that, either. “Those aren’t exactly the behaviours of someone who’s coping particularly well.” 

“Why don’t you go over there?” he asks with a laugh. “You’ve got about as much experience with garage door openers as I do.” 

“Nathan.” He looks at her. Haley puts her arms around him. “You know why. She trusts you more than she trusts me.” 

He knows why that is. Peyton told him a while back that while Haley’s an amazing friend, it’s like her loyalty’s always going to be with Lucas. Which is a bit messed up because the guy’s Nathan’s _brother_ , but he’s not gonna make a big thing of it. All their history is a tangled web and he knows what she means. While Nathan knows Haley isn’t exactly going to run and tell Lucas anything Peyton tells her, it’s just not the same. Those two have been close longer than any of them have.

So yeah, he does what she asks, because she’s his wife and he loves her, and he doesn’t give a single shit about Peyton’s garage door, but he does care about _Peyton_ , and he’s not a good enough actor to pretend he’s checking up on the mechanics of the thing. 

She pulls the door open and rolls her eyes as she lets him in. 

“Let me guess. Mr. Fix It?” she asks. 

“One and only.” They both laugh and she leads him through to the kitchen and starts making him a coffee. He sits at his regular spot at the kitchen counter. “What’s with the drinking, Peyton?”

He hears her mutter a curse word under her breath before she turns to face him again. 

“What’s the matter, Nate? Bothered that I’m not just drinking with you anymore?” 

Okay, yeah. She’s pissed. She’s being snarky and her brow’s up like she’s daring him to continue this conversation. They both know he’s going to - that he’s too stubborn to drop it just because maybe she feels like she doesn’t need to talk. And this thing where she throws barbs to see if she can hurt someone just so they can’t see the cracks in the armor isn’t gonna fly with him and she’s gotta know that, too. And deep down, he knows she knows he’s right to be questioning her. Deep down, she knows that she’s only reacting this way because she’s got something to talk about.

“Honestly, I think even that was too frequent.” She sighs. “Come on. What’s up with you?”

“Why does something have to be up with me? God.” Nathan just tilts his head. She’s really not fooling anyone. It’s sort of cute that she’s even trying. They stare each other down and she eventually lets out this loud breath and puts her hands on the counter. “I’m honestly just sick of this entire town, and instead of entertaining the thought that what I’m feeling is _regret_ over ever coming back here, I’m doing the things people our age are doing in literally every other town and city in the country.” He tries to say something, but she keeps talking. “But instead of like, god forbid, having fun, what I get is pitying looks, people whispering behind my back, and everyone thinking that Lucas has some kind of _claim_ to me, yet not putting any onus on him for any of this.” 

It couldn’t possibly matter less, but he asks, “For what?” 

She points directly at herself. “ _This_.” Nathan tilts his head. Her implying that she’s some kind of unfixable mess now - still - is ridiculous. He’s worried, yeah, but she’s not as broken as she’s acting. “When really, I was like this before him. Angry. And I’m even more pissed now, because people seem to think the only fucking reason I could be this way now is because he’s not here to make me happy. Maybe this is just who I am. Everyone seems to have forgotten who I was.” 

“I haven’t.” Yeah, it’s a dumb thing to say, and what he’s really feeling is a little freaked out that maybe she’s not as over things as she’s been saying she is. 

He’s not gonna tell her that, though. He honestly just thinks she’s going through an identity crisis, and he’s been there and done that and knows how this town can fuck with the process of figuring out who you are and who you want to be. And he thinks they share the unique experience of having Lucas hanging over them like the town’s prodigal son, or something.

Peyton reaches across the counter and wraps her hand around his thumb, for some reason. “Why do you think I let you be my friend?” 

He laughs because he thinks that’s what she wants him to do. She leaves her hand there for a minute then pulls it away and reaches for her mug of coffee. 

“Okay, but are you gonna fix my garage door, or what?” she asks, and he just laughs and calls Skills to do the work. 

… … …

“Do you get a freaking referral bonus, or something?” 

Honestly, Brooke’s just recommended that Peyton talk to her therapist, and like, no thank you. 

She wouldn’t know where to start, and she thinks that if she wanted to just talk to the woman about what she’s going through _currently_ it would all eventually unravel and she’d end up going every day and rehashing her entire tragic early life. And that’s a terrifying thought.

She’s also trying not to be annoyed that Julian’s sitting at Brooke’s breakfast bar with his laptop open. He’s obviously hearing all this, and it’s awkward to think that yeah, he’d be something she talked about. Bitterly, she wonders when the next time is that she’ll be able to talk to her best friend without him in the room. 

“It’s really working for Nathan and Haley. Haley loves it.”

Peyton manages not to snap and say that yeah, she talks to Nathan pretty regularly. 

“What I’d actually like is to talk about something other than me for once. I’m not like, teetering at the edge here.” 

Brooke tilts her head like she wants to be defensive and say that isn’t what she thinks. Or, maybe, like that’s 100% what’s happening and Peyton’s being naive. 

She really wonders why it is that Nathan’s the only one who seems to understand and listen when she talks. That’s probably not true, but it definitely means something that it’s how she feels.

Brooke shows Peyton some designs - which they are, despite Brooke’s insistence that she’s just messing around with something - for a few wedding dresses. Peyton’s trying to play down how impressed she is, but god, these dresses are gorgeous and she tells Brooke she should make them. Brooke says she will only if Peyton models them. 

She doesn’t stop laughing until both Brooke and Julian are staring at her like she’s crazy because Brooke’s _serious_.

She agrees to do it.

She’s a little inspired, to be honest. Her best friend has a seemingly endless amount of talent and determination, and it suddenly seems a little silly and definitely self-destructive that Peyton’s been in this weird little tailspin because...what? She’s not in love with someone? She doesn’t have a group of friends like she did in L.A. to go out with every other night? That all seems so stupid in comparison to what she _does_ have. 

She’s been thinking about Red Bedroom Records merch for a while but just hasn’t had a chance - or that’s the excuse she’s been using, anyway - to sit down and really put some effort into it. When she gets home she lights some candles, plays some music through her amazing sound system, and fishes her art supplies out from the closet in her spare bedroom. She sits on her living room floor and does sketch after sketch until her hand is cramping and she sees that it’s nearly 3:00am. 

… … …

Peyton throws a tee shirt at him when he’s shirtless in the gym, and he doesn’t really get it, because he’s mid-workout and he’s fucking roasting and dripping with sweat. He presses the ball to his hip and asks, “What’s this?” as he catches his breath. 

“Look at it, Nate,” she says, rolling her eyes. She’s wearing ripped jeans and an army green tee shirt, Converse, and he’s having a flashback or something. 

He tosses the ball to her, which she catches, and then he holds the tee shirt up. It’s got this cool vintage looking logo for her label on it, and he smiles and looks at her again.

“Sweet, right?” He’s gotta say - he loves how excited she is about this. “It’s a prototype. All yours.” 

He chuckles. “How many people have prototypes, Peyton?” 

He sets the shirt on the bleachers and she passes the ball back to him. 

He also loves the way she says, “Just you,” before backing away, telling him she’ll catch him later, and leaving the gym. 

… … ...

Karen comes to town, which means Lucas comes to town, and since Peyton avoided that entire situation the last time, she’s sort of obligated not to avoid it this time around. Plus, she hasn’t seen Karen since the wedding that didn’t actually finish, and she loves that woman, and she’s not going to miss an opportunity to see her. Plus, Lily is one of Peyton’s favourite kids in the world and maybe that’s because she can remember holding the child when she was just hours old and everything was all up in the air. 

Karen cries when she sees Peyton, which is something entirely new that wasn’t expected. 

“I’m just so glad you’re here,” Karen says by way of explanation, wrapping her arms tight around Peyton. It reminds her - always has - that mothers hug a little differently than anyone else. She even sometimes feels this when she and Haley hug. It’s hard to explain. Maybe she’s the only one who notices. 

Lucas is looking at them and Peyton doesn’t care. The last time this happened, she was so desperate for him to fall back in love with her that she thought her heart was going to stop. Now she’s a little annoyed because she’s starting to think he just wants her to want him and he’s gonna be really put out when he comes to terms with the fact that she doesn’t. 

When he catches up with her later, she’s doing dishes alone because she thinks it’s unfair for the hosts to have to do the cleaning, too, and since Nathan and Haley’s place is the biggest, they always seem to be the ones opening their doors. And she feels a little weird, a little out of place, to be honest, because she’s the only one here this time who isn’t family. She wants to give them time to catch up, but she also feels the weight of that fact hanging over them, like the elephant in the room. When she saw a chance to take her leave without it seeming rude or odd, she took it. 

Lucas wordlessly grabs a dish towel and starts drying. Peyton smiles at him because it’s the nice thing to do, though her stomach is twisting, dreading might come out of his mouth any second. 

They’re quiet a few minutes, which she actually thinks is kind of nice, and then he drapes his towel over his shoulder to put some platters away and then leans his hand on the counter, shoulders squared to her. 

“You don’t have to do this, you know?”

She turns her head to him a bit, raises one brow. “Neither do you, and yet here we are.” Lucas grins. She doesn’t mind the sight of it. It feels something close to normal. “Shouldn’t you be out there with your family?”

Yeah, okay, so that came out a little more bitterly than she wanted it to, and she knows he’ll hear exactly what she means by it. 

He hangs his head a little, grabs his towel in his hand again and continues the job. Here she was thinking he was going to make things weird, but she’s the one saying something to bring up all those old issues. 

“Peyton, I…”

She hears footsteps behind her and Lucas stops talking, looks away. She turns to look and Nathan’s coming towards her, grin on his lips, and she honestly doesn’t know if she’s ever been happier to see him. 

“Figured I’d find you in here.” He’s speaking to Lucas, which makes her feel awkward. Like everyone just knew that he’d come in here to be alone with her, or something. “Jamie’s looking for you.” Lucas passes the towel to Nathan and leaves, and Nathan just raises his brow and picks up the bowl she just placed on the drying rack. “You’re welcome.”

“For what?” she almost snaps, and it doesn’t seem to bother him at all, not like the other guy. “He didn’t say anything.” 

“Shocking,” Nathan mutters, and Peyton glances over at him. He shrugs, places the dried bowl on the counter, grabs another. “Does he ever?” 

Peyton doesn’t want to smile, but she can’t help it. “No.” 

And that’s fine, honestly. It’s just fine. She thinks Lucas just feels like he _should_ say something, and god, if they keep doing that they’ll just go round and round in circles forever. She’s tired just thinking about it. Heartbroken, maybe, by the thought that they’d do that to each other. It’s selfish, isn’t it? If they can’t just forget what’s happened and move on, they’re just dragging each other into this exhausting loop of misery. 

Okay, maybe that’s harsh. 

“What’re you thinking?” Nathan asks quietly. 

Peyton shakes her head, smiles at him. “Nothing important.” 

He nods, then it’s quiet, and then he throws the towel onto the counter and narrows his eyes at her. “Why the fuck are we doing dishes? I have a dishwasher.” 

He reaches into the sink and pulls the drain, then helps her load the dishwasher and literally pushes her, hand at the small of her back, until they’re with everyone else. He sits her down between Karen and Haley, pours her a glass of iced tea, and honestly, she doesn’t know what she’s feeling for him, but it’s a kind of affection she’s not used to anymore. She pushes the hair off her face and listens to Karen talk about the time Andy tried to milk a goat in Bali and ended up in the hospital. 

Nathan is a lot of things at all times. Today, he’s her reminder that maybe this is still her family, too, in a lot of ways. Maybe he is.

… … …

They’ve been hanging out a while now, and Lucas is weirdly quiet, even for him, and Nathan’s just like, exhausted from hosting yesterday and cleaning up and having a weird disagreement with Haley this morning. He’s not going to press Lucas for info or address this passive aggressive shit. The guy’s a grown man and he’s responsible for communicating his own feelings; it’s not up to Nathan to pry for info or make him talk.

Lucas misses his favourite shot three times in a row and Nathan knows him well enough to know to keep passing the ball that way until Lucas hits it. 

“I’m a little pissed about yesterday,” Lucas says after he hits it on his sixth attempt. 

“Uh.” 

“With Peyton.” Nathan seriously resists the urge to roll his eyes. “I don’t know how anyone expects us to get back to normal if we can’t even talk.” 

Nathan shoots his shot and runs for the rebound. This conversation’s already stupid.

“What’s normal?” he asks, and that’s perfectly valid, and Lucas needs to realize it just like the rest of them have. Peyton’s whole thing right now is trying to figure out what the hell her life is, and Lucas cornering her and making shit about himself yet again isn’t what she needs. More importantly, it isn’t what she wants. He knows that. It’s messed up that no one else is paying enough attention to see it. 

“Oh, come on, Nathan. I’m here like, once every few months. Normal can be just us hanging out without the black cloud.” 

Nathan’s trying to figure out a way to say this delicately, but he fails and what comes out is, “You’re the black cloud.” Yeah, Lucas looks pissed. “You’ve been blaming her since she stepped foot back in this town. Before she even did anything. _If_ she did anything.”

“That’s not true.” 

Nathan tilts his head. “Yeah, it is.” He’s not arguing this. It’s not up for debate. “And like, whatever. Be pissed at her if you want to. But don’t be pissed at her and then expect her to play nice. She’s not gonna grovel.” 

“I’m not asking her to grovel. And I’m not pissed at her anymore.” Nathan could probably believe that if they talked about it more. “I don’t want her to hate me.” 

Nathan doesn’t mean to laugh, but like, come on. “So stop being such a selfish dick.” Lucas squints, but he doesn’t have a leg to stand on here and they both know it. “She’s fine without you, man.” 

Honestly, no one’s just come out and said it, and he thinks it’s the one thing Lucas has needed to hear, for whatever reason.

Lucas takes a deep breath, nods his head, and says, “Ball.” Nathan passes to him and then, of course, talks a little shit when Lucas misses his next shot. 

… … …

She’s in L.A. for work, and she meets up with old friends who ask about Julian - because the last time they saw her, that’s who she was with. They know that’s not the case anymore, but they also know that he moved to Tree Hill. She’s trying not to be annoyed that they just want the gossip, but she also knows exactly what questions she’d be asking if the tables were turned. She doesn’t want the attention, though. And like, last she knew, Bianca was dating one of the women who tours with Beyoncé, so she tries to change the focus of the conversation to that. 

“You know Nathan Scott, too, right?” 

She’s had enough champagne to think it makes sense to answer, “Yeah, we used to date.” everyone at the table goes wide-eyed, and Talia chokes on her drink. “He was my first boyfriend.” 

Bianca shrugs, but no one else seems to be able to find words. “You could do better.” 

Peyton actually laughs, because honestly, that’s like, Bianca’s catchphrase and it’ll never not be funny. 

Plus; “He’s married to one of my best friends, anyway.”

“Okay, but like, is he as good in bed as he looks like he’d be?” Talia asks. 

“Who said I slept with him?” Peyton laughs. And she _did_ , obviously, but the assumption bugs her a little. Bianca lets out a little sound and then Talia rolls her eyes. “You just think I’ve slept with every guy I’ve ever dated?” 

Oh fuck. She _has_.

She sips champagne and Bianca must recognize that she needs saving, because she changes the subject and then winks at Peyton when no one else is paying attention. That’s friendship, right there.

And she very easily could’ve answered, to be honest, but these days she’s been thinking about him too much as it is and she really, really doesn’t need another reason. 

He texts her the next day when she’s drinking a smoothie at one of her favourite spots in the city. He asks her to confirm her arrival time because he’s picking her up from the airport, and for a hot second it feels _way_ too domestic. She thinks about what it’d be like if they were going home together instead of him dropping her off and…

Well, it stops there, because she can’t let it go further. 

She can’t. 

… … …

He’s not supposed to just walk out, but Haley’s pissed him off more than she has in literally _years_ , and he’s so fucking mad that if he stays and they keep talking, he’s going to say something really mean and then he’ll be the bad guy here. And he’s _not_. The whole fucking point he’s trying to make is that he’s not. 

And he really doesn’t appreciate that she just told him she can’t trust him to get back to work with Clay. She’s worried he’s going to fuck around with someone and cheat on her, and he’s fucking furious that she came right out and said it. What’s the point of all this therapy and supposed progress? She’s been lying all along if she still thinks he’d fuck around, because she’s been saying things have been getting better, but apparently she still has doubts about them. It’s messed up that he’s been putting in so much work and she hasn’t been honest with him about what she’s been feeling. 

And even though he’s this angry about it, he didn’t actually just _leave_. He explained to her why he was so pissed, and said he needed some time to himself before they continued the conversation. It’s a thing their therapist suggested. Haley still made it sound like he was just bailing, which, to him, is just further proof that she hasn’t been paying attention.

He doesn’t want to burden anyone with this shit, and it’s particularly difficult because all his friends are her friends, too, but he also knows that if anyone’s going to understand and not judge him or tell his wife, it’s Peyton. He’s been doing the same thing for her all along; Lucas is his brother and Peyton hasn’t been shy about talking through shit. He thinks she’ll get it. 

She’s sitting on her back deck wrapped up in a sweater when he gets there. He figured she was out here when he knocked on the front door and she didn’t answer. She’s got this great lighting back here that makes her look super beautiful, and he thinks literally anyone in the world would agree with him on that. She’s doing something on her phone, but she smiles when she sees him. 

“Hey,” he mumbles, and her face falls a bit. 

“Uh oh. Lay it on me.” 

Honestly, if he didn’t already consider her his best friend, he would right then, at her willingness to just dive in the second she notices something’s wrong. 

He sits down in the chair next to hers, tips his head back and feels, finally, like he can actually just relax. 

“Haley thinks if I get back into basketball, I’ll inevitably fuck around on her.” Peyton makes a face like that’s the most insane thing she’s ever heard. “Despite the fact that I’ve been 100 per cent supportive of her getting back into music.” 

“That’s...totally unfair.” 

“Yeah, especially considering that of the two people in this relationship, _I’m_ not the one who’s ever willingly kissed someone else.” 

There it is, right? He’s never done anything to hurt her that way. Not deliberately. Not something she didn’t completely misconstrue and twist in her own head to make him the asshole. All that old shit with her leaving him is water under the bridge, or it has been until now. Because it’s pretty goddamn rich of her to accuse him of that when she’s the one who kissed someone else; Nathan’s been loyal to her since they were 16 years old. Even when they were apart, or separated, or whatever, he didn’t once kiss someone else. 

He’s always wanted her, and the fact that she seems to have blocked any memories of wanting someone other than him is making him wonder why the hell they’re trying so hard to keep this shit together. She’s expecting him to do everything, to change, to step up, when the reality is that she’s not without fault, here. She’s acting like he’s to blame for everything they’ve ever been through, when that’s really not the case. And then to make it worse, she’s saying he’s gonna do something he’s never actually done, as though there’s anything in their history telling her he will. 

Peyton says, “Nathan,” in this quiet voice, and he realizes he’s been thinking and hasn’t heard something she’s said. He looks over at her. “Did you tell her that?” 

He knows what she’s saying. If he said those words to Haley and threw that in her face, it would’ve just made things worse. 

“No. I wanted to.” 

“I can’t blame you,” she tells him. “But I’m proud of you for holding it back. Not saying she doesn’t need to hear it, just…” She sighs. “Look, if anyone knows a thing or two about picking the right words in an argument, it’s me.” 

He smiles at her, then. “Because that’s something you’ve never in your life done, or…?”

“Exactly,” she says with a laugh. He takes a deep breath. “I’m really sorry. I know how hard you’re working. It’s gotta hurt that she’s making it seem like she doesn’t see it.” 

“Do you think she does?” he asks, turns his head to look at her. Peyton puts her hand over his and wraps her fingers around his palm. It feels too good and he’s trying not to notice. 

“Yes.” She’s just looking at him, face framed by this like, really soft halo of light. There’s something like a metaphor there, but fuck him if he goes there. “But it doesn’t matter what I think. It matters what you think.” 

She’s right about that, too. 

“I don’t think I’m stupid to want my wife to understand me at least as well as you do,” he says, and Peyton squeezes his hand, looks back out over the water. 

“Not everyone can be perfect, like me.” Yeah, she’s joking to break the tension, but in this moment, right now, he’s not in a position to argue. He will joke, though, because they’re sitting here holding hands and he’s _fucked_.

“If only.” 

She laughs out loud and then they go quiet, and he’s thinking way too hard about this whole thing, about being mad at Haley for thinking he’d cheat on her, and then also having this thing with Peyton. Fuck, maybe he’s just on the defensive because of it.

He should go home. 

He stays a while longer.

… … …

She gets completely distracted when she’s supposed to be working, because this demo a local songwriter sent her paints such a vivid picture that all she can actually see in her mind’s eye is herself and Nathan as adults, having some kind of relationship, and…

It’s totally a mess. The song’s about two people who’ve known each other forever and don’t realize they’ve got all the potential in the world. 

Why she thinks of him - actually, why she thinks of herself at all as a character in this scenario - is completely lost on her. 

She thinks the universe is screwing with her when Julian walks in and smiles at her as she sits at her desk with her headphones on. She pulls them off and pauses the track, and she doesn’t even ask him why he’s here before he’s telling her he needs some music for a short film he’s working on, and figured she was just the person to talk to. 

God, it makes her feel nostalgic. They used to talk in hypotheticals all the time, dreaming up a time in their future when she’d be the music supervisor on a movie or show he was working on, and one or both of them would win awards and they’d be rich and recognizable and she wouldn’t have to work for a shitty label anymore. 

While the situation isn’t exactly as they thought it’d be, she’s still proud of them. 

They spend a few hours and he briefs her on the plot, shows her pictures of the actors he’s hired, and rough cuts of the scenes he’s got in mind. She’s looking through a list of demos she’s received and music she knows the label has licenses on and Julian tucks his pen behind his ear and just looks at her. 

She doesn’t ask him what the hell he’s staring for, but he comes out with it anyway. 

“So I’m basically super in love with Brooke.” 

The way he says it - all in a rush like it’s been killing him _not_ to say it - makes her laugh so hard she swears there are tears in her eyes. She stops as quickly as she can, though, because she doesn’t want him to think she’s laughing _at_ him. 

“That’s cool. I’m terrified. Glad you find this so hysterical.”

He’s fussing with papers and Peyton composes herself, puts her hand on his forearm and says, “No, no. I’m not...It’s not funny.” He gives her a look like _really?_ “Of _course_ you do. Have you told her?”

“Are you crazy?” he asks, brow furrowed. “She scares even easier than you do.” Peyton tilts her head. That’s not true. “I’ll say it, and she’ll say it’s too soon, and then it’ll be this weird period where she doesn’t know how to act around me.” 

Yeah, he’s just described exactly how it went after he told _her_ he loved her. 

“Right,” she says quietly. 

“See? I can’t tell her. So I’m telling you. And then when I _do_ tell her and she inevitably freaks out about you finding out, I can tell her you already know.” 

“She won’t freak out.” Okay, she will. Julian laughs like Peyton’s being stupid. “Look, you know she’s had a lot of people in and out of her life recently. She’s looking for a constant, and you’re that person for her.” He smiles. God, he’s a fool for Brooke. Peyton’s actually happy for them. “Maybe it’s gonna suck to hide it for a bit, but also just…”

“What?”

“Show, don’t tell.”

He looks at her for a second, then a little smile stretches across his lips. “You’re a smart girl, you know that?” 

“I do.” She squeezes his arm and hands him the stack of demos, tells him to listen to them and let him know if anything stands out and she’ll make it happen.

… … …

He’s home and in bed at 11pm on a Saturday, and he’s just watching a west coast game next to Haley, who’s got her headphones in and a book in her hands. Their therapist suggested they do this thing where they sit together but don’t talk, but Nathan thinks is pretty fucking dumb, because _not talking_ isn’t their problem. Their problem is the shit they say to each other when they do talk. 

His phone rings and it’s Peyton, and he figures something’s wrong for a couple reason. One, she’d never call instead of texting unless it was something big, and two, they don’t typically talk to each other, even text, this late at night. Haley looks over at him, confused, when he answers. 

Okay, maybe not confused, but annoyed. This is their quiet alone time or whatever. And it’s not to say he’s not enjoying it, but it’s not _doing_ anything for them.

“You still have a hero complex, right?” It’s loud as hell wherever she is, and he figures it’s Tric because there’s a live band playing in the background.

Nathan laughs. He’s not sure that’s ever really something he’s had, but whatever. “Um.” 

“I need help.” 

He wants to say no. It’ll cause a whole fucking problem if he leaves. “Do you need me to bring anything?” 

Fuck it. 

“No.” 

She hangs up and it’s then he realizes that she mentioned something about Chase being away, and he thinks maybe she just literally needs help at the bar serving drinks. 

“Everything okay?” Haley asks. She doesn’t even take her earbuds out. 

“Yeah. I dunno when I’ll be back.” 

She wants to say something, he can tell, but she just tells him to wake her when he gets in so she knows he’s okay. As if she doesn’t wake up every time he climbs into bed when she’s sleeping. It’s sort of cute, though, that she still asks him to do it. He kisses her, pulls on some jeans and sneakers, and checks on Jamie before leaving the house. 

Tric is absolutely insane when he gets there, and there’s only Peyton behind the bar and two other servers he can see walking through the place. The band’s on the up - he knows this because she signed them and she keeps him in the loop - and people are excited these guys are back in town after a cross-country tour. 

Peyton’s hair is up and she’s wearing this black apron around her hips, and she looks thrilled to see him, but also like she might cry. She waves him into the bar area and puts her hands on his shoulders. 

“I’m a fuckup,” she tells him seriously, and he doesn’t get it. “Chase does the ordering. I totally forgot he was away and didn’t do it. We have enough beer, but we’re like, two shots away from being out of vodka, and that table over there ordered bottle service.” 

He’s totally willing to help out, but like, what the fuck’s he supposed to do about that?

“So…?” 

“So it’s a bachelorette party and I need you to turn on the Scott charm and smooth it over for me.” That’s it? “Then get your ass back over here and help me serve drinks.” 

He glances over to the table of women who’re polishing off the last of a bottle of Grey Goose, and ugh, everyone in this town knows he’s married, so it’s really stupid that he’s gonna go like, flirt with them or whatever. 

Peyton presses a bottle of chilled champagne against his chest, sets some glasses on a tray and, to his surprise, smacks him on the ass before pushing him towards the table. 

He feels gross. If this is what women servers feel like all the time, be doesn’t know why anyone would ever do it. 

One of the women tucks a $50 into his palm, though, and like. Yeah, okay. 

What he learns by the end of the night is that he’s no bartender. Despite priding himself on his coordination and general athletic ability, this is a whole different thing. He feels clumsy and slow, and like he never really gets the hang of it. Skills is there just drinking and laughing at him, too, taking pictures and posting them god knows where. Whatever. He’s helping out a friend and the fact that Skills is here and yet Peyton called Nathan anyway speaks to how much faith she has that Skills would actually be any help at all.

Everybody leaves and it’s like, almost three in the morning, and after Nathan’s locked the door, he realizes that they aren’t even done. The place is a disaster, and yeah, there’s custodial staff who’ll come in tomorrow morning and do the cleaning, but there are still glasses and empties everywhere and Peyton’s already got a bin in her hands to start clearing up.

“Thanks for saving my ass tonight,” she says when he joins her by the stage and starts picking up empties. The other servers are doing first count at the registers. 

“I don’t know how much help I was. You should’ve called Haley. At least she’s got experience.” He’s totally joking, of course. It’s not like he minded. And while he’s sure Haley may have showed up for Peyton, he knows she wouldn’t have been thrilled about it.

Peyton ducks her head and pushes her hair behind her ear. She looks super gorgeous but it’s a weird thing for her to do. 

“I didn’t even think of calling someone else,” she says quietly, still not looking at him. It’s like some kind of confession. He can’t even tell you how it makes him feel. Wrong, mostly. But that’s because it feels _good_.

He’s gotta say something, though, or they’ll both feel weird about this. 

“I smell like a brewery.” Peyton chuckles at him and points to the stain on the front of her top - a spill from earlier. “Have a little more respect for what Chase does, now.” 

They meet back at the bar to toss the empties in one of the bins and load glasses into the dishwasher. 

Peyton leans on the bar and puts her chin in her hand. “I can finish up.” 

“It’s okay. I don’t mind staying.” 

She bites her lip and asks, “Could I trouble you for a ride home, then? I’m just...way too tired to drive.” 

Nathan just nods. She’s out of his way, but he’d have said yes even if she hadn’t said she was too tired. He wants her to be safe and he can’t be too bothered about the time at this point in the night anyway. 

Tomorrow’s gonna _suck_. He’s got a kid who doesn’t care what you were doing the night before, he’s going to get up at 6:00am anyway. Haley’ll be pissed if he sleeps as late as he’s going to want to, but he’s trying not to think about that.

He pulls into Peyton’s driveway and she smiles at him and then leans across the console and kisses his cheek. It’s not something she’s done in...maybe ever, but definitely years. She just thanks him again and gets out of the car. He backs out and rests his head back against the seat as he drives through town to his house. 

Fuck. 

… … …

She sees him at the game when she’s sitting with Julian and Brooke, and Haley’s not here, but Jamie is, and it’s confusing and weird to her, but then there’s Nathan in his suit and he’s just…

So gorgeous. 

He looks their way and smiles, and she doesn’t get it. She doesn’t. Jamie’s down there with him, and this isn’t a thing Nathan makes a habit of. Unless Haley’s there. His wife. 

Ugh. This is getting out of hand. 

She’s attracted to him. Like, insanely attracted to him. And the thing is, she always has been. Everyone is. _Look_ at him. It’s not new and it’s not special. Attraction is one thing. _Wanting him_ is another. That’s the part that’s got her feeling like a terrible friend. Maybe even a terrible person.

This isn’t like Lucas and Lindsey, where they were together but then he was kissing her. Nathan and Haley are _married_. Really good and married. Married for a long time, and they’ve been through so much and Peyton’s not going to be another thing they deal with. Nor, actually, is she delusional enough to think that she _could be_. They’re in a rough patch, but she knows them, knows Nathan. Nothing’s going to happen. 

She goes to the office after the game, because she needs some time alone but doesn’t want to go home yet. What she finds instead of solitude is Haley in the recording booth, sitting at the piano with a notepad, headphones on. She doesn’t want to interrupt, but she also wants to make sure her friend is okay. 

“Hey pal,” she says quietly, and Haley takes the headphones off and sets them atop the piano. “They won.” 

She knew Haley was about to ask. She smiles like she’s proud of the team. Probably mostly her husband, though. 

“I needed some me time. I hope it’s okay.” 

Peyton shrugs. “You’ve got keys. Not like you pulled a B and E to get in here.” Haley laughs a little and then looks a bit sad. “You okay?”

Haley purses her lips and looks at Peyton. “I’m just feeling really selfish, and I’m trying to be okay with it. Was Nathan upset I wasn’t there?”

 _Oh_. He didn’t know? 

“I’m not sure,” Peyton admits quietly. “I don’t think so?”

Haley shakes her head and laughs a little. “Sorry. I just figured...Sometimes I think he tells you more than he tells me.” 

This could not be worse. It literally could not be a worse position to be in.

And honestly, after that thing Nathan said - the thing she can’t stop thinking about - that Haley doesn’t seem to get him as much as Peyton does. God, if he’s more communicative with her than he is with Haley, she doesn’t know what to do with that. 

“You know that’s not true,” Peyton says, and tries to avoid sounding - and feeling, really - like a total homewrecker. 

If this happens again, if a relationship ends and she’s somehow in the middle, she’s going to have to move. Seriously. 

“I’m glad he has you,” Haley says softly, and she means it, Peyton knows. It’s really genuine, and they’re talking about a friendship and nothing more, and Peyton can appreciate that. “I’m glad you have him, too.” 

Peyton just smiles, puts her arm around Haley, and after a moment, asks to hear what she’s working on. 

… … …

They’re meeting for lunch, but she told him she’s still at Brooke’s because this thing’s taking longer than it should have. He doesn’t actually know what that means, but it’s no big deal when she asks him to meet her there instead of at her place. Her car’s not here, so he figures Brooke picked her up this morning, or whatever. 

He walks in without knocking, but then freezes, because Peyton’s standing there in a wedding dress and Brooke’s kneeling, doing something or another with the hem or whatever. 

Peyton locks eyes with him, looks nervous or something. 

She’s so gorgeous and sometimes he forgets. Rarely, but sometimes. Then it hits him in the face and he just…

Brooke looks over, though, and he pushes the door closed behind him. 

“D’I miss something?” he teases, and Peyton rolls her eyes at the bad joke. 

“What do you think? Doesn’t she look amazing?” Brooke asks, standing and looking over her handiwork. 

The dress is gorgeous, to be honest. Like, objectively, for all he knows about fashion, it’s really pretty. There’s beading that catches the light, and this cutout at the front in the shape of a diamond right below Peyton’s breasts. 

She’s blushing, looking at him, and waiting for his answer. 

“Yeah, she does,” he agrees, then sits on the back of the sofa the way Brooke hates. “What is this?” 

Because yeah, he needs some answers. Like: What the fuck is going on?

Brooke kneels down again, explains that this is kind of top secret and she’s been working on a few dresses. He’s a little surprised Haley doesn’t know, to be honest. The fact that Brooke just said it’s top secret tells him that she isn’t ready for Haley to know yet, either. And whatever - it’s not like he tells her _everything_.

Peyton’s avoiding looking at him. Which is interesting, because he literally can’t stop looking at her. 

He watches Peyton walk into the spare bedroom - the one that used to be hers - to change. She’s got the skirt of the dress in her hands to pull it up so she can walk, and when she turns around to walk away, he sees that the back of the dress is cut way lower than he thought it’d be. 

Brooke’s staring at him. 

“It’s really good, Brooke,” he says, and hopes that’s a good enough explanation. She puts away some of her sewing supplies.

“I’ve got a good model.” 

He panics a second, thinking she’s onto him, or something. He needs to get it together. 

“When’d you start this again?” he asks, and then she hands him a few more designs. They’re all amazing. He obviously knows she’s a good designer; this is how she’s made her money for years. It doesn’t surprise him anymore that she can come up with such pretty things. 

She shrugs her shoulder like it’s no big deal. “I really loved designing Lindsey’s dress,” she says quietly, like she’s worried Peyton might hear, or something. “Then the movie thing happened. I’ve just been thinking about it a lot recently and this happened.” 

 

He smiles and then Peyton comes out of the room in ripped jeans and a white tee shirt, and god, he’s so far gone. He thinks she looks just as good like this. Better, even.

They’re in the car and she lets out this long breath and tells him she kind of just wants to hang out at home, and that if he’s down to order in she’d prefer that to going out like they’d planned. Something he’s known for a while is that he doesn’t really care what they do when they’re hanging out. 

They’re almost in her neighbourhood before he says, “You know, you looked super beautiful.”

She lets out this small laugh and says, “Thanks. That dress is incredible. I’m totally embarrassed that you walked in on that, but.” 

“What? Why?” He glances at her and she’s looking straight ahead, legs crossed, and she just seems so comfortable here with him. 

He needs to get his head out of his ass. This isn’t his wife. _Fuck_.

“I dunno. Seems like the kind of dress people shouldn’t see you in unless you’re getting married in it.”

He doesn’t know what to say to that, really. They’ve had enough conversations about shit that he knows she doesn’t want to be married right now, but there’s also gotta be something weird about standing in a white dress, too. Like, there’s no way she didn’t about someone - maybe a few people - while she was wearing it. 

They order Thai and Peyton leans against her counter after putting her phone down. He’s just standing there watching her. This is weird. What he realizes quickly is that it’s not weird, it’s tense. She’s killing him and doesn’t realize it, and this shouldn't be happening, and he should just completely ignore all this. But then she’s smiling at him and he wants her so bad, wants her more than he’s wanted anything in a long, long time. 

“Sorry I’m being all emo,” she says, laughing a little, and Nathan just…

He closes the space between them and puts his hands on her hips. She looks shocked, which makes total sense, but her hands are on his arms, then, and this is just _so easy_. 

“What’re you thinking about?” 

Her breathing quickens and she just says, “You,” and fuck it. Fuck everything. He kisses her. 

She lets out this little whimper, and her fingertips dig into his arms, and god, she feels so good like this. She relaxes into him a bit, throws her arm around his neck and presses herself all up against him, and it’s completely fucked up, but she’s taller than Haley and he likes the way their bodies press together like this. The counter’s right behind them, and honestly, he’s fighting hard against lifting her up on it right now. She presses her tongue into his mouth and her fingers are in his hair. He literally can’t remember the last time he felt this good, and all they’re doing is kissing. He can’t imagine what it’ll feel like when he’s inside her. 

She pulls away, though, presses her forehead against his, and says, “We can’t do this, Nathan,” and she’s all quiet and breathing hard. 

His hand slips up under her shirt anyway. And if she’s saying no, he’s obviously gonna stop. But she’s not saying no, and she hasn’t moved, and her hand is on his hip now, finger through the beltloop on his jeans, and he doesn’t even know when that happened. 

He says what he’s feeling, which is, “I don’t want to stop,” and she lets out this breath like she was hoping he’d say that, and then she’s up on her toes again and her lips are on his. 

Of all the stupid things he’s done, this is by far the stupidest. Feels the best, though. When he pushes his hand into her hair and she scrapes her teeth across his bottom lip and tugs him closer. 

“We shouldn’t,” she says, but she’s presses kisses to his neck, which is just...It’s giving him flashbacks to when they were together and that made him _crazy_ , and he doesn’t know if this is just a thing she does, or if she’s doing it because she remembers that, too.

“Mhm.” 

The door’s locked because she always locks it, and yeah, this is some reckless shit because he’s not the only other person with a key. But then her hand moves to the front of his jeans, and it’s clear she isn’t actually worried about anything except what’s happening now. 

He just pushes her a bit, starts walking to her bedroom. He bumps his hip against the counter, whimpers at the pain and she laughs against his mouth as she undoes his belt. The blinds are drawn in her bedroom and he kicks the door closed for good measure. 

She sinks to her knees and looks up at him and _fuck_ , he knows this makes him a terrible person, but he thinks he needs her and he doesn’t want to think about anything but that.

… … …

She’s drinking a glass of bourbon alone on her back deck in a pair of pajama pants, a tank top, and her earbuds in with some old standbys playing in her ears. She’s seriously just barely holding it together. 

She’s an awful person. 

Maybe this thing with him, this friendship, was heading this way for a while and she should have stopped it, pulled it back on track or kept it from becoming this thing, but god, she didn’t, and neither did he, and now she’s the woman who’s slept with her friend’s husband. 

She clenches her teeth and holds the glass too tightly. She doesn’t even have anyone to talk to about this, because the person she’d talk to is _him_. She obviously can’t say anything to Brooke. She knows well and good that Brooke would judge her at best and hate her at worst. Skills has known Haley forever, and honestly most of the serious conversations she’s had with him he’s ended up saying some version of, “You’re hot and cool and amazing, but you’re shit at relationships.” 

Truer words. 

She wants to talk to someone about what happened, and she wants to talk to someone about wanting to do it again. She considers, for a second, finding the business card Brooke gave her weeks ago, calling that therapist. But then she’s laughing to herself, because that’s Nathan and Haley’s fucking _marriage counsellor_ , too. 

She’s got tears on her cheeks and lyrics in her ears that make way too much sense, and she seriously, seriously considers asking Chase to come over, because maybe he’s the only person in this town who won’t judge her.

Her phone’s screen lights up and she sees the name of the person who’s messaged her. She drains the last of her drink - it’s not a small amount, but she needs it - and swipes across the screen to open the message. Lucas has sent her a video of this singer she told him about a while back, and a message saying the guy’s playing this tiny venue in Toronto tonight and that she’d love this show. 

Her life is so fucked up that literally the only thing she can do is get another drink and a blanket, wrap herself up and let herself notice when the waves crashing on the beach match time with the music in her ears. 

She gets dressed in the morning and heads to Nathan and Haley’s place, because Haley wanted to host brunch and Peyton’s not about to rescind her RSVP. And that’s maybe the hardest part of this right now - she can’t act strangely or emotional at all, or it’ll raise red flags and everyone’ll think she’s falling back into the bad place, or something. 

She said she’d bring something. She made muffins in the middle of the night when she couldn’t sleep. 

Nathan greets her at the door when she knocks. The fact that he looks so damn happy to see her makes her heart race and she wants to _cry_.

“Hey,” he says, takes the plate from her hands and she just looks up at him. “Okay?” 

She lets out a laugh, because what in the hell else is she supposed to do, honestly? No, she’s not okay, and she doesn’t think he is, either. Doesn’t know how he could be. 

“Nathan.” 

No, she doesn’t know what should follow that. And she’s saved by Jamie, anyway, when he runs over and says that mommy’s told him to ask Peyton if she wants a mimosa, and honest to god, nothing sounds better.

Nathan’s following behind her and Peyton can _feel_ him. It’s so strange, but she’s suddenly so aware of him around her. And, frankly, she’s trying so damn hard not to think about how his hands felt on her. How he felt inside her. The way he’d said her name. His hands in her hair. His lips brushing across her ribs. 

Haley’s got a mimosa in her hand to offer, and a clueless smile on her face, and then she says, “Oh, my god, are those the coffee cake muffins?” 

And yeah, they’re Haley’s favourite, and Peyton was absolutely thinking about _that_ at 3:00 in the morning while she was making them. 

Nathan makes her a coffee, then, and Jamie shows her the fruit skewers he helped put together, and she’s totally overwhelmed with how involved she is in this family. When Skills walks in she legitimately thinks she could kiss him for saving her from this mess. He says something about how he was going to bring something, but forgot and so he brought tequila in the hopes people would partake and things would get weird. 

Nathan shoots her this unfairly sexy look across the room and she rolls her eyes and turns away. Of course, he’d remember the very first time they were ever drunk together, when Tim got them a fifth of the shittiest tequila he could find and she and Nathan ended up having sex on her bedroom floor. 

She really doesn’t need to reminisce any more when instead she can just think of _yesterday_.

She offers to help him set the table on the patio because everyone else is inside - Brooke, Julian and Mouth have arrived - and she’ll have a second alone with him. She knows he’s not stupid enough to do anything here, but she’s so goddamn nervous that everyone can tell she did something awful. 

“You look great,” he tells her as soon as they’re by themselves and she’s arranging plates on the table. She tilts her head at him, feels her shoulders fall. His voice gets quieter then. “Come on. I’d tell you that on any given day.” 

“This isn’t any given day,” she hisses. He places his fists on the table, looks down. For the first time today, he looks like he might actually understand that they did something _wrong_. “God, Nathan I just…” 

“What?” he asks, then glances up at her. He looks over her shoulder, too, probably to check and make sure no one’s coming. Is this what it’s gonna be like now? Sneaking around and…

Oh, _fuck_. She’s done this _before_. 

“I never wanted to do this to Haley.” He nods, starts placing silverware down. “I thought I could ignore it.” 

“But then I…” He stops himself, which she appreciates so much. If they say it out loud in his goddamn family home, she’s going to lose it. 

“Yes. And I’m not blaming you. We both…” He smirks, which isn’t helping her in the slightest. He seems to realize it, holds his hands up and sne continues. “We were both there.” 

This sound escapes the back of his throat and she can already feel the flush spreading on her chest. 

“And I can’t stop thinking about how we were both there.” 

“ _Nathan_.” His wordplay isn’t helping. 

“Look, I don’t wanna lie to you. You’re like, the one person I can tell everything to.” 

She’s just looking straight at him, because he’s just said exactly how she feels, too, and that thing, that truth, just proves this whole thing isn’t just sex. This isn’t just a moment of weakness between two stupid people who can just agree it was dumb and never do it again. They care so much about each other. They’re each others’ people. And to put it bluntly, if there were another guy in her life she felt this comfortable with, she wouldn’t have slept with someone who’s married. 

“I don’t know what to do,” she admits, and she’s getting emotional, which is more annoying than it should be. She just can’t go back inside with tears in her eyes. 

“Me neither.” Honestly, that shouldn’t make her feel better, but it does. “But I wanna do it again.” 

She looks up at him and he’s grinning like a teenager. She laughs when he wags his eyebrows, then she throws a napkin at him and when he goes back to setting the table like they’re supposed to be doing, she just thinks he’s so fucking handsome that none of this is fair. 

She walks back inside to find her coffee cup, and Julian’s the only one who notices she’s not just a-okay, gives her a look that asks if she’s all right - god, he used to send that her way all the time when they were together. She puts on a smile and nods gently and he believes her, which is such a relief she almost laughs. 

… … …

Sitting in therapy with his wife is fucking torture. He thought it would be way back when they started this thing, but that was for a totally different reason. Now they’re here and there’s some space between them and Haley says something about him not being very emotionally available since their last session. 

He’s gotten good at keeping his face neutral, even when there’s something bothering him. Here, at least. Their therapist asks if he agrees, and he says no, cites a few times when he shared how he was feeling or agreed with her when she wanted to do one of their exercises or whatever. He feels like he’s being pretty open. 

Except the part where he’s hiding a ton of his feelings and slept with someone else. 

Fuck. 

After their session, she’s got some studio time booked and he drops her off on his way home. Jamie’s with Nathan’s mom and he’s got the whole day to himself, which is something that rarely ever happens and he really appreciates. 

He doesn’t want to be by himself right now. No, he’d really rather be with Peyton, who he’s been thinking about for nearly a week straight after spending some time in her bed. He’s well and truly screwed. She’s definitely with his wife right now. 

He heads to the garage for a workout to try and take his mind off things, but all it does is make his blood pump harder and by the time he’s in the shower after, he’s wondering if he’ll ever get her out of his head. Nothing feels as good as she did, though, and he just wants to…

Fuck, what’s he supposed to do? Have an affair? End his marriage and destroy his family? And the bigger question: what’s gonna happen if he doesn’t?

Peyton texts him when he’s folding some laundry he did after his shower. She says that people are gonna start talking if they’re never seen together again. He’s pretty sure she’s joking, and it makes him smile and tap out a reply, asking what she has in mind. She says Haley suggested he stop by Tric later, and he’s not about to argue with that. 

He’s trying not to think too hard about the fact that Peyton wouldn’t have messaged him like that if she didn’t want to see him just as badly as he wants to see her. They didn’t actually talk anything out the other day, just basically said words that confirmed what they both already knew. 

He’s not gonna lie - that a woman like her wants him is making him feel fucking incredible.

… … …

Her jeans are pushed down around her knees and she tries not to laugh at him when he goes to stand between her legs and can’t. Her hands are on his hips, trying to pull him closer, and she wants his shirt off him _yesterday_. She fully expects him to pull her back up so she’s not sitting on her desk, but instead he just puts his hand between her legs and presses his fingers against her, and god, it feels so amazing, but he’s not _close_ enough. 

“Nathan,” she breathes out, and his lips tick up seductively when she grabs onto the front of his shirt and pulls. 

This is even more reckless than it was before. The only other person with keys to her office is Haley. 

When Nathan says, “Let’s go to your place,” and then moves his hand against her, she literally doesn’t know how she’s going to last the 15 minutes between here and there. 

She shakes her head and he just grins at her like he likes how fucking desperate he’s made her. They were just having a drink and then he leaned in and, under the guise of having her hear him over the crowd, said something absolutely filthy about thinking about her earlier and how he’d thought about having her on top of him. She’d just gotten up and walked into her office, knowing he’d follow. As soon as the door was closed and locked, he was pressing her against it as if he’d been expecting that reaction and planned his next move out in his head. 

“We can’t do this here,” he tells her, and then laughs when she whines, and god, she wants him so badly she’s not even pissed at him for that. She just puts her hand on his bare stomach under his shirt and scratches her nails against him a little. He takes a breath. “Peyton.” 

She stands, then, and _fine_. She tugs her jeans back up her legs, leans into him before she does them up, presses her hand against him as, what, payback? He groans and she tugs his lip with her teeth.

“Follow me. I’ll be in the bedroom when you get there.” 

She pats him on the stomach and he tips his head back as she does up her jeans, mutters something about her killing him, or something, and then waits for him to walk past her so she can lock the door behind them. She hasn’t given a single thought to whether or not they look like they were just making out, and she doesn’t much care right now. It’s stupid, but honestly not much stupider than this whole entire thing is to begin with.

She hates sneaking around - _hates it_ , and hates herself a bit for letting this happen - but then Nathan’s hands are on her hips in her bedroom when she’s pulling the curtains closed, and he’s telling her how sexy she is, how crazy she makes him, how he wants her naked _now_ , and she just asks what he’s waiting for.

He’s playing with her hair afterward and she’s waiting for him to say he has to go, because he does, obviously, and she knows he’ll never be able to stay the night, and maybe that’s a good thing, really. 

He always used to do this when they had sex - lie there afterward and twirl a curl around his finger over and over. She wonders if he does the same with Haley. Probably does. 

But she needs to ask him a question and it seems really important. She leans up, arm against his torso and her hair falling in her face. He smiles at her and she honestly can’t stand how attractive he is. 

“How are you even better in bed than you used to be?” She expects a smirk or a ridiculously sexual comment, but what he does instead is just start laughing. “I’m being totally serious.”

“You make it sound like I’m better than everyone else, too, you know.” Yeah, she knows. And that’s true, maybe. She’s not exactly comparing him to anyone else. She just knows what a damn good orgasm feels like and he’s delivering those.

And when they dated, he was her first and so she had no frame of reference, but the fact that he seemed to know what he was doing even then and always made her feel good is really saying something.

“I’m just saying. We have really, really good sex.” He smiles at her, his eyes roaming over her face. He pushes his fingers into her hair and massages her scalp. She realizes that she’s crazy about him and that’s why everything feels this good, but god. 

“Wanna do it again?” he asks, and it’s her turn to laugh. 

“Now, or like…” He nods, cutting her off. She was going to ask if he wanted to keep this stupidity going. It’s best she didn’t get the words out and they didn’t commit to anything.

She moves so she’s on top of him, looking down at him and puts her hands on his stomach. He’s been working out - never stopped, really - and his body is just insane. She likes the way he looks grown up.

“What?” he asks when her looking turns into staring. 

“You’re so hot, I swear to god.” She’s laughing a bit and he shakes his head, looks down at her chest, then lower, to where their bodies meet. 

“Me? Really?” He raises his brow and slides his hands up her thighs. She sees his abs tense as he sits up, then he wraps his arms around her and she might actually whine at the feeling of him pressed hot against her centre. “Peyton.” 

She presses her finger against his lips, but he parts them and takes it into his mouth. _Fuck_. She trails it down his chest and then his lips are on hers and she seriously, seriously thinks she’s never felt this attractive before. 

… … …

Thinking about what his life would be like if he hadn’t ever gotten together with Haley is a thing he does somewhat regularly. Usually, he’s thinking about how he’s not good enough for her, and wondering what she ever saw in him, or how he ever convinced her to give a shit about him. Sometimes he thinks about not having Jamie and that thought kills him. Sometimes he thinks about growing into a totally different man and wondering if he’d like that guy. Probably not. Maybe a lot of people wouldn’t. Maybe he’d be a rich NBA player, single, with a woman in every city. Maybe he and Haley would’ve gotten together anyway. Maybe he and Peyton would’ve gotten back together. Which is honestly what he thought was going to happen again after their last breakup. It took him a while to realize the thing with Haley was maybe _a thing_. Until then he was honestly just trying to get Peyton to want to date him again.

He’s trying really, really hard not to feel like the fucking worst guy in the world. He’s still sleeping with his wife, because she’s his wife and they do that kind of thing. Pretty regularly. And like, they’re fine. They’re okay right now. They have their moments where he isn’t even sure they like each other, but they’re _married_ , and if either of them were ready to give that up, lord knows they would’ve done it by now. The’ve had enough opportunities. 

He’s never cheated on her, though. And thinking back to that last big fight they had, the one about her not trusting him...Fuck. That just makes him the biggest asshole in the world, doesn’t it? He got pissed at her about something and then went out and did the exact thing she was worried about.

If you listed all his life’s fuckups one after another, you’d see he has a hell of a rap sheet.

Clay’s in town, and they’re meeting at Tric because that’s basically the only place to meet in this freakin’ town anymore, unless you want mediocre coffee from a shitty diner. Plus, Clay’s more about beer than he is about caffeine. And it’s after 4:00 in the afternoon, so whatever. Nathan plans on ordering water and hearing what the guy’s plan is. 

When he walks in, Peyton’s behind the bar helping Chase with something. Or she would be, but Clay’s there in front of her talking to her, and Nathan _knows_ this guy and knows what it looks like when he’s hitting on someone. It looks like this. Like his elbow on the bar and a beer bottle dangling from his fingertips, a grin on his face and words from his mouth that make her laugh and shake her head. She hands Chase bottles from the case she’s unpacking, says something to Clay and then seems to notice Nathan’s walking towards them. She juts her chin in his direction and Clay looks over. 

Nathan feels so fucking jealous, and he has absolutely no reason to. He shares a bed with someone who isn’t her every single night and it’s been almost two weeks since he was in Peyton’s. He knows she’s totally free to do whatever she wants and he’s in no position to tell her not to. He can’t give her anything - shouldn’t be giving her what he has been - and honestly, if she ended this, she’d be doing him a favour. 

That said, he doesn’t want her hooking up with Clay, either. 

She pours Nathan a glass of water without him asking. She knows he won’t drink this early in the day - they’ve talked about that before. Clay’s walked away, looking around the space. There are no actual patrons here at this time of day, and Chase is busy and not paying attention. When Peyton hands him the glass, he catches her wrist gently and lets his fingers trail over her skin. They haven’t even said a word to each other. 

She takes a deep breath and Nathan grins at her. 

“Use my office if you want privacy,” she tells him, and like, yeah, sure, but the last time he was in there they almost fucked on her desk, so he’s gonna take a pass on that one. 

He and Clay move to a table in the corner and sit there, and then Peyton’s laugh rings through the space when Chase says something to her. Nathan just smiles in her direction and notices Clay’s doing the same thing. 

“Pictures don’t do her justice,” Clay says, gesturing to her with his beer bottle before taking a sip. 

“Sure.” 

“She’s _hot_.” Nathan doesn’t say anything, and Clay rolls his eyes. “Right. Married. Can’t even admit a woman’s attractive.”

“Look, you wanna talk basketball, or you wanna talk about which of my friends you wanna sleep with?” 

As soon as he’s said the words, he regrets it because it pisses him off so much. He’s so screwed. 

“I mean, both,” Clay says with a laugh, and Nathan forces himself to smile so he doesn’t give too much away. And this is what his life is now - trying not to be too obvious about the fact that he’s fucking around on his wife. 

But for all his bullshit, Clay can tell when it’s time to get to business, so they spend an hour talking about what it’d look like if Nathan tried to play again, what teams have expressed an interest and what the odds are they’d actually sign him if he _could_ do what he used to be able to. They talk other options, too, like coaching and things like that. He can’t say he’d hate it, but god, he’d love to play somewhere. 

Clay’s attention is totally lost and Nathan looks over his shoulder and sees Peyton walking back to her office. Her ass does look amazing in those pants. 

Clay just gives his head a shake, smiles and turns his attention back to Nathan. 

After their meeting ends, when Clay says he’s gotta meet with a realtor to show him a few houses - and Nathan didn’t think the guy was serious last month when he talked about moving here - Nathan heads back to Peyton’s office, sees her sitting at her desk with her laptop open and her headphones on. 

She looks up, smiles, removes them, and says, “Hey.” 

“You make a good first impression,” he tells her, and she looks confused. “Clay’s practically in love with you.” 

Yeah, it’s an exaggeration, which is a dumb thing to do and really only serves to make him look like a jealous asshole. Peyton just tilts her head, leans back in her chair and smiles like she’s onto him. Whatever. He rounds her desk and leans back against it so she’s looking up at him. 

“I’m charming,” she says, and Nathan scoffs. 

“Yeah, that’s it. Nothing to do with the fact that you’re gorgeous and laughed at his dumb jokes.” 

“His jokes weren’t dumb,” she says dismissively. Then she clasps her hands and knocks his leg with her knee. “You could just tell me you’re jealous. It’d be a lot easier.”

“Easier?” 

“I dunno.” She shrugs, then stands up, runs her hand up his chest. “It’s hot.” Nathan lets out a sigh. He’s not trying to turn her on, here. (Though he doesn’t hate that he can do that, even without meaning to.) “Why would I want him when I could have you?” 

She looks at him through her lashes and he doesn’t know what to say to that, because, well, she _can’t_ really have him, can she? 

He just leans forward and kisses her forehead, because he told Haley he’d be home by now and Peyton’s clearly working and this just isn’t the time or place to get caught up with her. Again. 

He tells her he’ll see her later, and she looks just a little hurt, nods her head and pushes herself away from him - literally presses her palm against him, and he thinks that means something - and he knows she’s hearing what he didn’t say and that the reality of these choices they’re making is hitting her just as hard as it’s hitting him. 

… … …

She’s not deliberately ignoring him, she just can’t find it in her to seek him out. They both know what they’ve done is absolutely _wrong_ , and after the other day in her office, she knows he’s been thinking about it non stop. Which makes total sense. He’s got more skin in the game here. He’s married and has a kid and he can’t just mess around and see where it goes, or have it mean nothing. God, this all meant something before he even kissed her. She’s not going to pretend it didn’t, and she doesn’t think he would, either. But they can also make a choice to never do it again, not get any further into this disaster they’ve created. 

But then he’s jealous when another guy talks to her, calls her attractive or whatever, and she wants to say that’s not fair because it _isn’t_ , but then she thinks he gets that, too. And she was serious. She doesn’t want Clay. He’s not her type and there’s something fake about him that she can’t put her finger on. Part of her thinks he just tries too hard.

But he’s talking to her again now, and they’re just walking through town because she bumped into him when she was getting coffee and she wasn’t about to be rude to him. He’s nice enough, and she figures they’ll end up friends. He’s telling her about the house he just put an offer on. It’s really close to hers, just a little further outside of town. It’s about a 15 minute walk down the beach from her own and he gives her a look when she says that. Almost like it’s convenient or something for them to be that close. She ignores it because like, dude, no. 

“So what’s the deal with you and Nathan?” he asks, and she’s desperately trying not to panic. 

“What do you mean?” 

He sits down on a bench overlooking the river, and she sits next to him. 

He shrugs a shoulder. “Has my best friend status been revoked?” Peyton laughs at that, because it’s ridiculous how guys think you can only have one best friend, and because she’s relieved. “You two are super tight, right?” 

“Yeah.” She shrugs her shoulder. “We’ve helped each other through some dark stuff. I was there for him after the accident, and he was there for me after…”

“Lucas.” 

She’s annoyed that he didn’t let her finish. She scowls a little. “It’s not like I can’t say his name.”  
Clay grins and she finds that annoying. “I don’t need this from you, new guy.” He laughs out loud and she sips her coffee, waves at this woman who comes into the bar regularly as she walks by. “Nathan and I have known each other forever. There’s a lot there.” 

He nods and he’s quiet and there’s a look on his face she doesn’t know him well enough to read. 

“I’m trying to convince him he’s good enough,” Clay says like a confession. It hits her in the heart and she lets out a breath that makes him look at her. 

“I think I’ve been trying to do that since we were 14.”

Clay smiles sadly, then there’s a silence and he’s just looking at her, and then he turns so his elbow’s on the back of the bench and she doesn’t know what’s about to happen. 

“Tell me if I’m out of line,” he says, and she nods her head because whatever. She’s got no problems doing that and he’s probably already figured that out about her. “Do you get the feeling Haley just doesn’t get it sometimes?” 

She doesn’t ask what he’s talking about and she doesn’t ask what gave him that idea. She doesn’t agree with him and she doesn’t give him anything that might indicate she does. 

“That’s a question for him, not me.” 

“But you know the answer,” he states, and Peyton tries to keep her face neutral, but he knows she _does_ know and just doesn’t feel it’s her place to tell. “That’s fair. Best friends don’t tattle.” 

She laughs out loud and then clenches her teeth and thinks about how crazy it is that in less than a month she’s gone from loving being his best friend, to hating it. 

… … …

He hasn’t had her in two weeks and he’s starting to go crazy. Like actually, he finds himself on the basketball court in the gym thinking about her legs and her mouth and her _everything_ and thinking that if he never sleeps with her again, he’s going to lose his damn mind. 

This is a problem. 

And probably the worst part is that between basketball and Clay and Haley and Jamie, he hasn’t had any time at all to even talk to her. She dropped something off to Haley at the house and they all chatted a bit, and then one day she stopped by the gym because her and Skills had plans to go to a movie and she was picking him up. And they’ve been texting, but it’s not the same. 

They finally make plans to hang out, and he brings over a bottle of Maker’s Mark and a pizza and she opens the door looking sexy as fuck in this pair of shorts that are probably pajamas, and a dark green bra under a grey tank top. 

He doesn’t even say hello. He’s just so glad to see her, and so glad to see her _like this_ that he can’t think of words. Hello would work, but whatever. 

She looks happy to see him, too. 

He heads to the kitchen and she closes and locks the door - then she leans on her elbows on the counter while he pours them each a drink. She looks so good he wants her right this second. 

“What?” he asks, then slides a glass to her. She moves, then, walks over to him and hooks her arm around his neck, moves so she’s between him and the counter, and any doubt he was having that they were gonna keep doing this is gone. 

He’s relieved, but he’s also an asshole for thinking that. 

“You know, I didn’t think _I’d_ be the one jealous of Clay.” Yeah, he’s confused. She puts her free hand at his hip, pulls him closer to her and he has to steady his hand on the counter beside her. “I don’t like sharing you with him.” 

He notices her careful choice of words. She doesn’t say she doesn’t want to share him. She says she doesn’t want to share him with someone in particular. 

“Is that right?” 

“Mhm.” She looks at his mouth. “Every time I see you, you’re with him.” He wants to laugh at how worried he was at first, that Clay was hitting on her. This is sort of a hilarious twist. (And it’s not even true, and later, he’ll think that she’s using Clay’s name in place of another.) “And I can’t let you do the things you want to do to me when he’s around.” 

Nathan laughs out loud, tips his head back a little and then when he looks at her again she’s sort of beaming at him like she enjoys making him do that.

“So this is all about what I want, not about what you want?” he asks, and her eyes get a little darker. Fuck him if that isn’t the sexiest thing he’s ever seen. 

“It can be.” 

“ _Peyton_ ,” he breathes out, and maybe it’s a warning, because he literally doesn’t know how she got this way. Bold and gorgeous and _such_ a turn on. 

She shrugs her shoulder and manages to look way, way more innocent than he knows she is when she says, “What do you want, Nate?”

The eat cold pizza after literally the best sex of his life, and Peyton’s sipping from a glass of bourbon and sitting naked, facing him on her bed. He wants to ask why she’s looking at him like that, but he’s afraid of the answer. 

… … …

She needs to talk to someone about this. She can’t bring anything up to any of her friends, and she considers for a half a second that Clay might just get it. Not that she’d name names or say anything insane that would give Nathan away, but he’s removed enough to perhaps be objective about it. But he’s too close to them and it’d be completely stupid of her to talk to him about her love life anyway, since she’s only known him for like, a month. Skills is out because he’s like really oddly in tune with what everyone’s up to and he’d absolutely figure out who she’s talking about. 

Chase is stocking the bar one day when she leaves her office after getting through some legal work on a contract for one of her artists, and honestly, she’s speaking words before she can even stop herself. 

“What would you say if I told you I was sleeping with a married guy?” 

He looks shocked, blinks at her and then smiles a little and sets down the case of beer he’s holding. The bar’s between them, but he walks around, climbs onto a bar stool and gestures for her to do the same. 

She’s nervous as hell, because she knows - and knew - that anyone she told this to was going to be honest and tell her how awful she is. 

She deserves that. 

“I’d say you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak,” he says delicately. She holds her breath. There’s more. “And maybe other people, too.” 

“Sex can be just sex, though.” Chase smiles at her like she’s being silly and she knows it, shakes his head. “I mean, two consenting adults, and all that.” 

He puts one hand on his knee. “The fact that you just blurted it out to me means it’s not just sex to you. You’re freaking out.” He’s totally right. “And, Peyton...” He gets all quiet, purses his lips like he doesn’t want to have to say the next bit. “You’re talking to _me_ about this, which means you don’t want to talk to someone else. Or anyone else.” 

His eyes lock with hers and she tries to stay calm because it’s obvious that he knows, and _fuck_ , this was a mistake. She never should have said anything. 

“I’m so stupid.” 

“You’re not stupid.” She feels tears in her eyes and then he’s standing, putting his arms around her. “You’re not stupid.”

She thinks he says it twice to see if she’ll believe it the second time around. She doesn’t. 

She shakes her head. Of all the dumb things she’s ever done, this is clearly the dumbest, and the only way any of it will ever end is if she gives Nathan up. She doesn’t want that. She wants him. She thinks the only reason she’s not in love with him is because she won’t let herself. Or, less naively and more accurately put, she won’t admit it but she has absolutely fallen for him. 

“If two people aren’t happy, they shouldn’t be together,” Chase says, and for a second she thinks maybe he’s the only person in the world on her side, but then he pulls away, hands on her shoulders as she sits there. “But you gotta let them figure that out without interference.” 

She laughs tearfully and he reaches for a napkin, hands it to her. “Too late for that,” she says, smiling weakly and rolling her eyes. “Chase, you can’t...No one can know.” 

He gives her a lopsided grin, nods, and chucks her on the chin. “I’m just the bartender. I don’t know a single thing.” 

She feels like she could kiss him, she’s so happy he gets it. She puts her arms around him, feels him hug her back, then she kisses his cheek. 

“I’m gonna go cry in my office,” she says before walking away, and Chase laughs and says, “Enjoy!” and god, if that isn’t the most perfect thing.

… … ...

Clay’s housewarming should be a fun time. It’s supposed to be. But he and Haley got caught up while they were getting ready in an empty house and ended up undressed for a while, then took their time getting ready again and now they’re late. Everyone else is already here, and Brooke, Julian, Peyton and Clay are chatting in the kitchen. Haley’s holding his hand when they walk in and he notices the way Peyton turns away from him and starts talking to Julian. 

Yeah, she texted him yesterday and Nathan didn’t reply. He was in the middle of a workout and then he and Jamie made dinner and the three of them watched a movie together, and it was one of those nights when things felt like they used to. 

She looks gorgeous, though, and she makes Julian laugh and then there’s this pretty smile on her face and she sips her drink. It’s water, he thinks. Interesting. 

“I’d say you’re fashionably late, but the fact that Nathan’s shirt’s a wrinkled mess tells me it spent some time on the floor before you got around to leaving the house,” Brooke says with a raised eyebrow.

Nathan would roll his eyes, but he’s busy watching Peyton’s reaction, which is to glance at Haley. Haley just laughs and swats Brooke’s arm, and it’s all fun and games until Peyton catches his eye when no one’s paying attention. She takes a drink but doesn’t break his gaze and he wants to apologize, but he doesn’t know what for. 

Julian passes him a beer and Clay offers to show Peyton around, and the way she agrees to it is loud and maybe too much of a show and just to make Nathan mad, and he’s really doing his best not to care, but he’s pretty sure he’s failing at that, too.

He ends up on the deck with the cold wind hitting his face, and when he hears the door behind him, he hopes it’s her, but it’s not. Brooke leans her elbow against the railing and looks up at him. 

“Hey there, loverboy,” she says, teasingly, dimple flashing at him. Nathan smiles, but leans on his elbows, pushing his hips back and nursing the only beer he’ll have all night, ‘cause Haley mentioned wanting a couple glasses of wine. It’s fine. 

“Is nothing sacred with you?” he asks, and he’s totally joking. She rolls her eyes just like he thought she would. 

“Everything okay?” 

Is he that obvious?

“Of course. Why?” 

She shrugs, then copies his posture. He doesn’t know how she isn’t freezing out here in just this dress with no sleeves. “You seem quiet. I thought you’d be happy to have your best buddy back in town. I mean, one of them.” He gives her a questioning look, and she chuckles a bit, raises her brows. “Lucas?”

“Right,” he laughs. It’s insane how much things have changed the last few years. Peyton, Lucas, Clay. “It’s great. I’m happy.” It’s flat, though, and then she looks even more concerned. He says, “I could just be having sex instead of hanging out with all of you.” 

 

It’s true, and she doesn’t need to know any further details. That he’s thinking of Peyton when he says it. That he wants to peel her clothes off her because it always feels like too long between opportunities to do it. That he might be in way over his head because it’s really not just about the sex. 

She’ll think he’s talking about Haley, and that’s just fine. 

Brooke laughs loudly, smacks him on the arm and tells him he’s terrible - that’s the word she uses, and she doesn’t mean it, but he takes it to heart anyway - and tells him to come back inside. 

He does, because he doesn’t want to look like a miserable bastard by staying outside alone all evening. When he walks back into the house, more people have arrived - people he didn’t even realize Clay knew. Nathan announces that the view’s for shit and Clay shouldn’t have bought this dump. Everyone laughs. The places is gorgeous, obviously, and the wraparound porch is practically a dream. It’s a seriously amazing spot. 

Peyton’s in the kitchen chatting with Chase, and Nathan wonders who’s watching the bar, but that’s none of his business and he isn’t stupid enough to ask. They both know what they’re doing and it’s not like they’ll have forgotten to put someone on the schedule. 

Mostly, he just can’t think of a single thing to say to her in a crowd now that they’ve been saying the kind of things they’ve been saying when they’re alone. 

He checks his phone quickly and then she’s there next to him. He thinks she knows as well as he does that they can’t ignore each other or it’ll raise questions. 

“You could _try_ not to look so bored,” she says, and bumps him with her shoulder. 

“I’m not bored.” He’s not being defensive. Their eyes meet and she’s practically begging him to finish. “This is a good look.” 

No, it’s not an end to his thought, and it doesn’t tell her anything about what he’s feeling, but like, whatever, because it’s true and she can read between the lines. 

“Can you like…” she stops herself, then quickly looks to see who’s watching them. No one is. “Please don’t. Not tonight.” He’s about to ask why. This is weird. Like, sure, they’re in a group and they should be more careful, but still. She turns a bit so her back’s to the crowd and no one will see her lips moving. “You walked in here like, 10 minutes after…”

She can’t say it. He can’t blame her. He’s thinking about how he felt earlier when he saw Clay so innocently put his hand on her back to show her around. He can’t fucking imagine what it must be like at this point for her. If he didn’t feel like shit before, he sure does now. 

He says, “Okay,” because he understands, and it doesn’t have to be a big thing. 

“And despite whatever Brooke told you outside, I’m not going to sleep with Clay.” 

Clay’s directly behind her, just heard what she said, and Nathan doesn’t _want_ to laugh, it’s just that this whole thing is such a fucking mess, and they’ve got to see this as at least a little funny. He purses his lips and juts his head towards Clay, and Peyton just turns around and lets out a huff, rolls her eyes. 

“The _one_ night I deliberately choose not to drink.” 

Clay laughs, and Nathan knows that while the guy would absolutely take the opportunity if she did want to fall into bed with him, he’s not gonna chase her either. 

“Brooke didn’t say anything,” Nathan insists and Peyton just lets out this long sigh and Clay throws his arm around her. 

“We’re gonna be such great friends, me and you,” Clay says, and pulls her off towards where Haley and Brooke are chatting on the sofa. 

Nathan stands there and sips his beer and watches her talk to his wife. He notices the little things she does that show she’s uncomfortable. The way she pushes her hair behind her ear. The way she looks down at her lap when Haley’s talking. The way she picks at the seam of her jeans a little as she tells some story about the tour she’s trying to get Mia on. 

He’s watching her more than he’s watching Haley. 

It’s not even surprising. He doesn’t want to stop.

… … …

It’s been long enough since she and Nathan last slept together that she honestly doesn’t even know if you can still call it a thing. They’ve spent some time together, mostly with his kid around, or Clay around, or Haley around. They’ve gotten better at being together and acting like nothing’s happened, which makes her feel legitimately terrible, because that’s not a skill she ever wished or wanted to have. 

She’s rearranged the furniture in her living room, and finally got around to painting her guest bedroom a colour that’s something other than the gross shade of pale yellow they did it when the house was built. Both things, Nathan said he’d help her with. She thinks maybe she did them on her own just to prove she doesn’t need him. 

It didn’t work, but it was worth a shot. 

She needs to get out of Tree Hill. 

She seriously considers some wild and expensive European vacation. She’s got the money to do it and there’s something really amazing about the thought of being somewhere totally alone and taking in art and history and culture is crazy exciting to her. But then she mentions the idea in passing to Brooke, who talks her out of it. Peyton is still trying to figure out if she should be pissed about it. She is; she was excited and her friend took that away from her. Brooke’s reasons weren’t the worst - she was concerned about safety and that maybe Peyton shouldn’t do anything rash. As if Brooke’s some beacon of impulse control, or something. Of course, she’d never say that because it’s mean and unfair, but still.

She’s sitting at home doing some work because it’s after office hours here, but not in L.A., and she just didn’t feel like sitting in her office and hearing the noise of Tric coming through the doors.

Her phone rings and she answers, puts it on speaker so she can continue using both hands to leaf through papers. 

“How do you feel about going to Toronto to check out this band?”

She’d laugh her ass off if it wasn’t the _one_ place in the world she didn’t even think of going. 

She says, “Sure,” because she thinks this is the universe’s way of telling her to grow the fuck up.

Nathan must hear it from Haley, and he shows up the night before she’s due to leave. She’s packing, suitcase open on her bed and a few different outfit options laid out before her. He walks in, nearly scares the hell out of her, and just stands there looking at her with his hands on his hips. 

This is the first time he’s been in her bedroom since the last time he was here. They’ve both got to be remembering that now. 

And she wants to be so pissed at him, because she can see it all over his face that he’s got thoughts or maybe concerns about her being in the same city as Lucas, as if she hasn’t spent the last year knowing Nathan’s the only one who knows she’s over it. And it really bothers her, because god, doesn’t he know that she only wants _him_?

She expects him to say something completely shitty, prepares herself for it, just waits. 

What he says instead is, “I miss you,” and her heart might beat out of her chest. She stops folding clothes and turns to him, squares her shoulders. 

She honestly considered telling him to leave. She’s been thinking lately that this thing between them obviously isn’t going anywhere. He’s not been seeking her out and they haven’t talked about it, and it’s been so long since they last slept together that maybe it just wasn’t going to happen again and they’d just go on like it never happened in the first place. 

She wasn’t expecting ‘I miss you’.

“So come here,” she says, instead of anything else that’d be a million times smarter and less self-destructive. Nathan gives her half a smile, closes the gap between them and puts his arms around her. She really, really loves that he didn’t kiss her first, which is maybe a stupid thing to notice, but this feels more intimate. 

He pulls back after a few moments, puts his hands on her face and presses his lips against hers, and honestly, sometimes she thinks he feels exactly the same way she does. 

He murmurs an apology, and she doesn’t know what it’s for. 

“How long are you gone?” he asks, then sits on her bed, leans back on his elbow. He picks up a particularly cute bra she’s got in the suitcase, grins a little, then drops it again. He’s so sexy without trying to be and Peyton wants him this second. 

“Just til Tuesday.” 

“Who’s the band?” 

“They’re this like, punk band made up of six queer women. They’re amazing. Their originals are _so_ good.” She tosses a tee shirt into the suitcase and he takes it back out. 

It’s the last thing he took off her, and she tilts her head at him. He’s not helping

“That sounds really cool.” 

He’s genuinely interested, she can tell, and this feels like _them_. It feels like their friendship was before they slept together. But now he’s lying on her bed and playing with a pair of her underwear, and there’s that, too. 

“Are you gonna let me finish packing, or?” She puts her hand on her hip and he gives her this sexy grin she can barely stand. 

“If I say no, what happens?” 

“Nate.” 

He sits up, then, reaches for her and sets his hand on the back of her thigh, tugs her closer. “I want you.” 

“You shouldn’t,” she reminds him, even as she steps between his knees and puts her hands on his shoulders. 

“Hasn’t stopped me before. Why would it stop me now?” That shouldn’t be as hot as it is. He pushes up her shirt and places a kiss on her stomach, then his other hand is moving upwards and his fingers push beneath the fabric of her shorts. He lets out this breath against her skin and she thinks, honestly, _honestly_ , she couldn’t resist him if she tried.

She says, “I missed you, too,” and then he’s standing, kissing her hard and pressing her back onto her bed. 

… … …

They need to talk about this, and he knows that, but if they talk about it he’ll be understandably expected to have answers, and he just doesn’t. He loves that she hasn’t pushed him, but he also knows how awful it makes him that he hasn’t provided any insight, other than he doesn’t want to stop, wants to keep sleeping with her, wants to keep having this thing with her. 

She’s packing her things and he’s lying on her bed, blankets pushed down to his hips, drinking from a glass of water she brought him. This feels so...Normal. It feels like he could live here with her, stay here while she goes away and wait for her to come back from her trip. Kiss her goodbye at the airport and have flowers or something waiting when she gets back. 

There’s a mark on her hip that he put there with his mouth. He likes that she’s leaving with at least that. 

“Are you just gonna sit there staring at me, or what?” she laughs, and honestly? Yeah he is. He nods and she just shakes her head. She’s not stopping him. He knows she doesn’t want to. “What’ve you got this weekend?”

“Game tomorrow night,” he reminds her, and she nods like she didn’t need him to. “Working out on Saturday morning, then taking the boy to Raleigh for a hockey game.” She looks at him like he’s crazy. Hockey? “I dunno. We want him to at least consider other sports.”

Peyton laughs out loud, then, and drops a pair of black heels into her bag. “It’s really cute that you think that kid wants to be anything other than exactly like his daddy.” Nathan smiles and looks away. He seriously loves that his kid looks up to him the way he does, despite all Nathan’s fuckups. It’s incredible to have this little human who just forgives you so easily. “And why wouldn’t he?”

Nathan isn’t going to tell her that he literally can’t stop thinking about what Jamie would think of him if he broke up with Haley. 

It’s fucking difficult to keep things from Peyton, though. He’s been telling her everything for a while now.

“If he only knew,” Nathan mutters, and Peyton stops what she’s doing, sits down at the edge of the bed, puts her arm on the other side of him so she’s leaning over him a bit. “I’m not perfect.” 

There’s this sexy little look on her face that he might be in love with, honest to god. “There’s really just so much I could say about that.” She looks down at his body. Yeah, okay. “No one’s asking you to be perfect, though.” 

But that’s not true, is it?

He says, “Haley is,” not because he wants to hurt Peyton, but because it’s the truth and above anything else, Peyton’s still the only person he thinks understands that. 

“And that’s still not fair,” Peyton says, and she manages to keep it free of anger or jealousy or anything else. She’s talking to him like a friend. He can tell there’s something more she wants to say. He juts his chin to get her to talk. She shrugs her shoulder like it’s no big deal, but the fact that she’s holding back means it probably is. “I just...I mean, when we dated, I wanted you to be _better_ , but I’d never have asked you to be perfect. Or anyone else to be, for that matter. But maybe…” 

She looks at him, then, seems worried she’s about to be mean or say too much. He doesn’t care. 

“What?” 

 

“Maybe it’s hard to think that way when you also think _you’re_ perfect.” 

She’s never said anything like that about Haley, but it makes so much fucking sense. No, Haley doesn’t actually think she’s perfect, but she _wants_ to be, and maybe she is projecting that onto everyone around her. Lord knows she wants it of Lucas, of Brooke sometimes, and even of their own son. It’s usually Nathan talking her down and telling her that the kid can be whatever he wants and he doesn’t have to be an expert piano player, or anything. 

Nathan grew up with that kind of pressure on him all the time, and it fucked him up. He’s not gonna let that happen to Jamie.

He leans forward, kisses Peyton, because she’s making everything make so much sense, and as terrifying as that is, he thinks it’s just what he needed. 

And that’s what he’s been trying to avoid all along, really - needing her. 

She relaxes a bit, like she wasn’t sure how he’d react to that. 

“I should go,” he tells her, and kisses her before she can pout about it, or say anything. “You should know I don’t want to.” Peyton laughs softly, and maybe she doesn’t believe him, or something. “It’s really hard to think of leaving when you’re sitting here looking like that.” 

She rolls her eyes and moves, gets up and picks his shirt up off the floor, throws it at him. “Cheesy, Nate.” 

“Fact, though.” He stands up, and watches her face as she looks him up and down. Yeah, that? That’s not helping. “Like what you see?”

“Understatement,” she mumbles, which makes him laugh. He pulls his shirt over his head, then takes his jeans from her when she hands them to him. “I’ll text you when I land?” 

He has to smile at that. He loves that she wants him to know she’s okay. That she knows he wants to know she’s okay. 

He sits in his car in her driveway for a minute before turning the key. 

He really wants to stay.

… … …

She’s walking through this really amazing market with Lucas, sipping coffee from a place he says he loves, and this is quite honestly the most comfortable she’s been with him in years. He seems more relaxed, like he isn’t carrying the weight of his entire life in Tree Hill on his shoulders. It’s nice to see him this way. She was a little worried about seeing him - their last few conversations haven’t exactly been comfortable. But she also knew she couldn’t come to his city and not at least meet him for a coffee. 

He’s excited to show someone from home where he lives now, and it’s almost sweet, how he suggests where they go next and keeps checking to make sure she’s okay with it. 

He tells her about his job - he’s working as an editor at some marketing content company. She can’t exactly see it, but he explains that he can’t teach here - isn’t licensed - and that working an ‘easy’ day job leaves him tons of time for writing. 

“What’re you working on?” she asks, because she does love what he writes, and it could be a touchy subject, but she wants to know. 

“Just finished, actually.” Her brow goes up. He tugs her by the elbow so she doesn’t trip on a raised bit of concrete on the sideway. “It’s about a guy who can switch between timelines and has a crazy different life in each one. But time doesn’t stop when he’s not there, so every time he goes back, he’s gotta catch up on what he’s missed.” 

That sounds...really just so much like something someone like him would write after leaving home. 

“I can’t wait to read it,” she says, and she means it. 

The stop at this place for empanadas, which he insists are incredible and he’s absolutely right. Then he asks if she wants to hop on the streetcar and go to the music garden. She has no idea what that is, but she thinks it sounds like something she’ll love, so she agrees to it. He points out different places along the way. Things that aren’t on a tourist map or are important to him. Like his office, and a billboard one of his artist friends shot the photos for. There’s a cool shopping area and he points out his condo building, this warehouse that’s been converted into lofts. She doesn’t want to see the inside of his place, but she’s sure it suits him. 

“So, come on,” she says, leaning back on the bench they’ve found overlooking the water. “Women. You’re dating?”

Lucas laughs, shakes his head. “We don’t have to talk about it.” 

“I promise you, it’s totally fine.” 

He smiles at her, crosses his legs at the ankle. “There’s someone. It’s new and not serious.”

Peyton thinks it’s hilarious that she still knows him well enough to say, “And that’s all you’re gonna give me,” and know she’s right. He gets a bit of a shy look on his face and shrugs a shoulder. 

“You?”

She scoffs. “I’m sure you would’ve heard if I were with someone. Our friends are terrible with secrets and gossip.” 

That makes him laugh out loud. “I did hear about your one nighter with Andreas Stevens.” Ugh. Of course he did. “Haley told me.’ 

That pisses her off, for some reason. It’s probably totally unfair.

“Not my finest moment.” 

Lucas looks out over the water. Peyton thinks about Nathan. She’d texted him this morning after being out late last night hanging out with the band she’s here to see. They have another show tonight she’s going to just to make sure they’re as consistent as she’s heard they are.

“How d’you feel about Clay?” Lucas asks, and she looks at him like she doesn't understand the question or why he’s asking. “Nathan says you two hit it off, but I have a hard time seeing it.” 

That kind of statement would’ve bothered her even a few months ago. Now, it just rolls off her back. 

“He’s like, this weird mix of...I dunno. Mouth, Julian, and Nathan.” Lucas chuckles. She thinks she’s right. “I think he’s a bit obnoxious, but it’s all for show. If you call him on it, he cuts it out.” 

Lucas smiles at her and then takes a deep breath. 

“You’re a good judge of people, you know that?” She’s never really considered it, to be honest, but it makes sense and she thinks it’s a compliment and a nice thing for him to say. “Should’ve known. You saw the good in Nathan before any of the rest of us did.” 

It’s not meant to be a dig and she doesn’t hear it that way.

“Ahead of my time,” she says quietly, and knows he won’t realize that it’s a little self-deprecating, or...something, anyway. She thinks if she’d known where they were going to end up, she would’ve held onto Nathan when they were 16 and she didn’t know what to do any more to be happy with him and make him see that all she wanted was for them to be good together - for him to be good with her.

She goes back to the hotel, messages Nate and tells him she wants to hang out when she gets back, asks what time is good for him, and then she really very nearly almost cries, because they’re so close that even if Haley sees the message, she won’t think anything of it. 

… … …

He and Haley get back from their therapist’s office on Monday afternoon and the house is empty, and she puts her bag down on the counter and pushes her fingers through her hair. She turns to look at him, and he thinks they’re both just so tired. _So_ tired. They’ve been trying so hard and for the first time today, the doctor asked them, very gently, what it might look like if they didn’t stay married, and he thinks they both teared up at the idea. 

Look, it’s not like he doesn’t love her. There’s so much about her that he does love. And he’s been trying to make this work, and so has she, and he thinks the reality of it is that they’re just not the same people they were, and while they care about each other, love each other, that’s just not enough at this point. They’re not the same people and maybe these people don’t know how to be together. And that’s okay. Or it could be. 

He thinks there’s more pushing them apart than keeping them together, and part of him wonders how they let it get this bad, but then, he thinks, they’ve been doing the work to stop it from happening and it’s happened anyway. Maybe that’s the biggest indicator that the just need to come to terms with the fact that they can’t stay this way anymore.

He stuffs his hands in his pockets, a solid 10 feet of space between them, and asks, “What do you want to do, Hales?” 

She starts crying again and shakes her head, and he really wants to hold her, but he thinks that she’ll push him away, and he can’t blame her for that. 

“I feel like this is the thing we’ve been avoiding all along.” He nods. He gets that. He feels the same way. There’s a lump in his throat, too, but he’s really trying to keep it together. For her sake, he thinks. “I almost feel...relieved.” Fuck, she took the words out of his mouth so thankfully he gets to feel like less of a dick for feeling it. “I think I’m mostly devastated.” 

Nathan nods, then looks upward. She’ll know it’s to fight tears. And despite all the shit he’s done lately, and what’s going on with his own feelings and heart and head that have made him completely fucked up, he can’t say he ever really wanted _this_ , either. No, he didn’t know what was going to happen, and his actions sure as hell didn’t really spell out to him that he was about to stay all in this marriage, but…

Fuck. He thinks he was really in denial about this. 

He walks over to her, and she doesn’t stop him. Instead of pushing him away, she leans against his chest. They haven’t said the words out loud, haven’t confirmed anything, and he knows they still care about each other, but right now her heart’s totally breaking and he’s mostly feeling like a failure and a complete asshole. 

She asks him to ask his mom if she can keep Jamie overnight. 

She asks him if he can sleep somewhere else. 

He doesn’t want to fight her on it, but he wants to know if what’s happening is final. And he thinks it is, because it’s always been him fighting, begging her to take him back or give him another chance. Or, anyway, after the last big time, the time she asked him for a divorce…

“Haley, are we…” He swallows hard and they’re just looking at each other. 

“Ending our marriage?” She swipes at her cheek with her hand, manages the saddest smile he’s ever seen. “Yes.” 

The courage with which she says it just about knocks him over. She’s stronger than he is.

There’s a bag of some of his stuff on the passenger seat and he’s driving along the water and he’s passing Peyton’s house on the way to Clay’s. He knows for a fucking fact that if he stayed there she wouldn’t care, she’d understand. But he’s not going to do that. Maybe people would even expect him to. He just can’t handle it right now. He’s not going to be there alone with all her stuff and her bed and all the memories of the past couple months with her. Not today. 

He didn’t call Clay before he got in the car. The guy opens the door and he’s smiling, but then notices the look on Nathan’s face and his expression changes. 

“Can I stay with you a few days?” 

No, he doesn’t know what he’s going to do after that. 

Clay says yes anyway, pulls the door open and unlike anyone else in his life would do, pulls out a bottle of bourbon and tells Nathan if he doesn’t want to talk about shit, he doesn’t have to. 

He doesn’t want to drink. 

Bourbon is his and Peyton’s thing, anyway.

.... … …

Brooke’s waiting for her at the airport as they’d planned. Peyton told her not to park and come in, so she just climbs into Brooke’s car at the curb, smiles and leans across the seat to give her best friend a hug. She’s smiling because she had a good trip, a great flight, just got word that the band’s going to sign, and she’s so happy to be back. 

Brooke doesn’t drive away, and looks sad, and Peyton’s starting to think something’s seriously wrong. 

“What?” she asks, and thinks that if something happened with Julian, Brooke’d be crying. (As much as she isn’t ready to admit it, she’s in love with the guy.) “Brooke.” Brooke’s confused, then, and turns more in her seat, eyes narrowed. She almost seems surprised. “ _Brooke_.” 

“He hasn’t told you?” Peyton feels her heart fall. She has no idea what’s going on, but whatever it is, it’s big, and she’s… All Brooke says is, “Nathan and Haley.” 

She literally puts her hand on her heart, sucks in a breath and just blinks. She might cry. She honestly might. She knows none of the details, and understands why he wouldn’t have messaged her, but she can’t believe that Haley didn’t. Hell, that _Lucas_ didn’t get in touch with her. 

Nathan wouldn’t have wanted to text it to her, and he’s probably at a loss for what to say, and she knows it’s a fucked up situation and it’s almost worse now and she’s not going to think for a single second that this means anything good for them, either. 

Yeah, she’s got tears in her eyes. 

“I know,” Brooke says, and she’s trying to keep from crying, too, and god, if this woman only knew, she’d never ever talk to Peyton again. “I spent all morning with Haley.” Peyton nods. She’s not going to ask how Haley is. It’d be a stupid question. 

She doesn’t know what the hell she’s going to say to either of them. 

“Where is he?” 

“Clay’s,” Brooke says, and pulls away from the curb. “I’ll take you.” 

Peyton loves that she didn’t have to ask. 

She’s got 15 minutes to come up with some words. She hops out of Brooke’s car still without a single thing in mind. She left her bags, but knows Brooke will take them to Peyton’s place. 

Clay pulls the door open, gives her a sad smile and gestures towards the spare room. She heads down the hall and takes a deep breath outside the closed door, then pushes it open and walks in. Nathan’s lying on the bed throwing a basketball up in the air and catching it again. He hasn’t shaved, but he’s dressed. She hates that she thinks he looks so good like this. It’s not the fucking time for that. 

She closes the door behind her, walks over, and sits down at the edge of the bed. He hasn’t looked at her. He’s still throwing the ball. 

He’s always done this when he’s dealing with something big. She remembers. 

“I didn’t know what I was supposed to say,” he admits, and she doesn’t doubt for a second that Clay could hear them talking if he tried. 

“Okay.” He looks at her, then, and catches the ball without looking. “I get it.” She thinks he thought she didn’t understand. “How did this…” She stops herself because it’s a monumentally stupid question. She’s been there all along, since before they started making bad decisions with one another. “I’m so sorry,” she says quietly, and feels like she might cry again. “I know you never wanted this.” 

“I think I did,” he says, like a confession, after a few seconds. He looks at her again, palms the ball in one hand and then reaches over with the other and runs his knuckles down her thigh just once. It’s sexy, and she wants him, and she _won’t_ , and she doesn’t know what to _do_. “I’ve been thinking about that since yesterday. I think we both wanted it. She said she was relieved.”

“ _Nathan_.” 

She can’t fathom how his heart must be breaking. 

His eyes are red. 

She thinks she’s been trying to help this boy with his emotional trauma since they were children. She wonders how she’s the only one who’s stuck by him that long. 

“I’m so sorry,” she says again, and when she blinks, a tear falls from her eye and onto her jeans. Nathan’s got this soft look on his face when she looks to see if he’s noticed she’s crying. “I guess sometimes it doesn’t work out.” 

It’s a whisper, mostly, and he sets his hand on her leg, squeezes. 

“Guess we both know that now.” 

She thinks that means something more than what’s on the surface. She’s scared of what it means for _them_ , so she doesn’t ask. He’s talking about Lucas (or someone) and Haley, and Peyton just nods because she can’t find any words. 

She wants to repeat an apology, for whatever good that would do. He just starts throwing the ball again and she takes a deep breath and moves to leave. 

He says, “Stay,” and maybe she’ll never be the kind of woman who does everything everyone wants. But she’ll do this, for him, right now.

She wants to curl up beside him, put her arms around him or be closer to him, but she can’t bring herself to move, or say anything else, or even barely look at him. She shifts a bit and he moves over to give her more room, then gives her this sad smile and stops with the ball (thank god, because the sound has always annoyed her, but she wasn’t going to say anything). He opens his arm and she moves to lean against him. It’s totally innocent. He doesn’t do what he might have weeks ago; this time his arm is just there behind her and he’s not touching her otherwise. 

He asks her to tell him about her trip, and it seems like such a pointless conversation, but it’s not and she figures she’s helping take his mind off things. Maybe. He asks about Lucas and how all that was. They’d texted about it and she told him it was totally fine and that they even had some good conversations. She tells him again and mentions that they talked about _him_ , too, and he grins - honestly it’s the first thing she’s seen from him all day that looks anything like normal.

It gets dark, and she realizes how long she’s been here and that they’ve been alone in this room for hours and Clay’s somewhere around, probably wondering what the hell he’s supposed to do with all this. 

“Walk you home?” Nathan suggests, and she nods her head and thinks maybe this is the first time he’s left this room since last night. 

Clay’s on the phone when they leave the room, and Nathan makes some gesture or another and Peyton heads out onto the porch, knowing they can head down the stairs and onto the beach and walk to her place that way. It’s cold out, which she didn’t plan for - she didn’t think she’d be here this long. Nathan must have thought of it, though, because then there’s a sweater draped over her shoulders and he gives her a cute smile and puts his hands in his pockets. 

“Nathan I...This is a stupid question, but are you okay?” she asks as they start walking. He takes a breath she can hear even over the water. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this.” 

“My marriage just ended. I’ve never _been_ like this.” 

Fuck. She didn’t mean…

“I didn’t mean it like that. I just...thought I knew all your moods and.” She isn’t articulating this well. She’s fucking it up pretty spectacularly, actually. “Maybe I just don’t know what you need from me, but I want to do it anyway.” 

He lets out a little breath. “It’s fine. You’re fine.” He smiles a little, then looks straight ahead again. 

“Is this how you felt after Lucas?” 

Not that it compares at all. She’s mostly curious. If he says yes, he’s better at this than she is. If he says no, maybe he has some pointers, or something.

“Honestly?” he asks, and she nods, can tell he’s looking at her from the corner of his eye. “We thought you’d never come out of that darkness.” 

She feels really emotional, for some reason. Maybe because she’s come so far, or because this is the first time she’s really understanding how bad she looked to everyone else. Or maybe just because she kind of feels like an asshole already for somehow making this about her. She didn’t mean to. 

“Was I that pathetic?” 

Nathan laughs quietly, shakes his head. She wraps her arms around herself, pulling the sweater closed tighter against the wind. 

“You weren’t pathetic, you were just like…” His voice trails. She looks over at him. “It was scary, how heartbroken you were.”

It’s quiet, and sad, and there’s something more behind that. She doesn’t know what. She thinks part of it is just reminiscing or remembering how worried he was. She remembers the time he yelled at her to get her shit together because they were ready to put her on 24 hour watch. 

Then he says, “I don’t feel like that,” like it’s a confession only she will ever hear. He’s looking down at his feet as they walk. She knows he’s heartbroken; she thinks he’s just saying he doesn’t feel like he’s going to die. So. “So you don’t have to step your consolation game to my level.” 

It’s meant to be a joke, but it’s such dark humour that she breathes out his name and he nudges her with his elbow. Like he’s telling her it’s okay to laugh, as if she _wants_ to, which she doesn’t. At all. 

She can see her house and she knows she’s not going to invite him in. Or maybe that she’s going to invite him in and he isn’t going to come. And that’s really, really fine. It is. 

It’s such a mess, but she thinks that maybe this is the end for them, too, and it’s totally selfish, but maybe she’s sad about that, in addition to all the rest. Mostly, she wants him to be okay, wants Jamie and Haley to be okay. They’re some of her favourite people and she knows that whether he’ll admit it or not, she _did_ have a part in this - what they did had a part in this - and maybe he and Haley would have split either way, but still. Peyton feels some fucked up sense of responsibility. And she certainly feels a responsibility to help him through it. She’d feel that either way. He’s _Nathan_.

They get to her door and she pulls her keys from her pocket, plays with them. There’s not another person around. They can speak candidly. 

She just can’t find words. 

“Peyton, I…” He sighs and rubs a hand over the back of his neck before he meets her eyes. She wants to let him finish. Maybe he can’t find words, either. 

Then he puts his hand on her cheek and leans down to kiss her. It’s sweet and chaste and gentle and quick and so, so different from any other kiss they’ve had recently. 

“We shouldn’t do this for a while,” he says. She doesn’t know what he means by that, and it’s not the time to ask what ‘for a while’ is. Maybe it means never. Maybe it means they’re done for good. But maybe it means something else. And he’s right and she isn’t going to argue anyway; never intended to. “I just need you.” 

Peyton smiles sadly and nods. She gets it, she does. He needs her like she needed him. Not like they’ve been saying when they wanted to sleep with each other. He needs a friend and she’s the best one he’s got. She so understands that. And there’s feeling of, really, being willing to do whatever he needs. He needs a friend, not a complicated relationship. She’s not going to complicate it more than it already is. 

She cares about him too much ( _too much_ ) not to agree to take some time. 

“Call me tomorrow?” she says quietly. 

Nathan lets out this breath like he’s relieved she understands, and then puts both his arms around her, flattens a hand on her back to press her close to him. She hugs him back tightly, and she thinks they stay that way longer than they would any other time, but that makes sense, too. 

She tosses the sweater at him - it’s Clay’s, she thinks - after she pulls away, and then unlocks the door, gives him a little smile before walking in, because she knows he’s waiting for her to go in and for the lock to click back into place before he leaves her porch.

She should unpack the bags Brooke kindly left in her foyer. 

Instead, she goes to her bedroom and lets herself cry a little, calls Haley because _that’s_ her friend, too. 

Everything’s so messy and she can’t decide if it’s selfish or not to think it’s not all her fault for once. 

… … …

“Okay, wait, so they can really just _hit_ each other like that?”

Nathan laughs and listens to Jamie explain that there’s contact in hockey and that sometimes it’s the best part. There’s a whistle on screen and she shouts about it, asking what happened, and Clay says something about not being able to interfere with the goalie. Nathan looks over and there’s a legitimately angry look on her face, like these rules make no sense and this game is vicious.

He’s been staying with Clay a couple weeks, and hanging out with Jamie a bit every day. He and Haley want to make sure that whatever transition they’re making doesn’t impact Jamie as much as it could. They’re trying to be good to each other - he thinks they’re past the anger at each other and they’re just in a place of disappointment or sadness or...Look, Haley looks miserable and like she’s barely keeping it together. He knows Brooke’s been staying there some nights so Haley isn’t alone. He knows Peyton’s done it, too. 

The days he doesn’t see Peyton, they talk on the phone or text. The other night was the first night he felt like having a drink might be a decent idea, and they listened to music at her place and had a basketball game muted on her television. She poured him bourbon the same way he used to do for her; measured, careful, and he could tell she was counting. He was drunk when he left, but not so drunk that it was a problem. 

She’s too busy with the label to baby him, but she’s doing it anyway, and he kind of loves her for that. Like right now, at this time on a Thursday night, she’d usually be at Tric watching whatever acts are playing at open mic, but instead she’s here with him, his kid, and Clay, watching a game she doesn’t know or care about. 

She cares about him. 

Nathan sips his water and reaches for another slice of pizza. Clay cuts him a look like he’ll have to add minutes to his training tomorrow, or something, and honestly, that’s more annoying than any of the other looks he’s gotten recently. 

Jamie falls asleep on the couch, Nathan figured would happen. He scoops the kid up after the game’s over, turns to Peyton and says, “C’mon. I’ll drop him off then take you home.” 

She could walk. Clay could go with her, or he could drive her, but none of them question this, either. 

She yawns in the passenger seat as he’s buckling Jamie in. She mentioned getting up early this morning because there was some kind of crisis on the road with one of her artists last night she had to deal with first thing. No one was hurt and it was all smoothed over by noon, but she went straight from the office to Clay’s, and he knows how that girl feels about her sleep. 

He should drop her off first. He doesn’t. 

She offers to take Jamie to the door because he and Haley haven’t yet figured out how to be around each other quite as frequently as they need to be. It’s fine, for now. Peyton’s generous and he doesn’t want her to think this is why he didn’t drop her at her house when they passed. He’s overthinking it. She wouldn’t think twice about that being the reason. 

He can’t say he hates the way she looks carrying his kid - who he knows is nearly too heavy for her to hold - to the door and passing him to Haley. They say something to each other, and Haley offers Nathan a little wave, then the door’s closing and Peyton’s walking back to his car. He digs this leather jacket she has on; he thinks it’s new. 

“You okay?” she asks as they pull back onto his street. The street. She doesn’t normally say things like that. He nods his head and pats her thigh when she yawns again. “I’m dying. And hockey is fucking insane, by the way. Like imagine putting blades on your kid’s feet and sending him out there with a weapon and a bunch of dudes who wanna kill him. No thanks.” 

Nathan laughs loudly and then she’s staring at him like she’s surprised he still knows how, or something. 

“You’re funny.” 

“I know that, but you’re all sad and moody lately. It’s like we’re 16 again and I’ve gotta bring out my best stuff to remind you that I’m kinda awesome.” 

She’s joking again. This is nice. 

He doesn’t say anything, but the smile doesn’t leave his face as he hits main street to cut through town instead of taking the backroads, which are quicker. She doesn’t question it.

When they get to her place, she unbuckles her seatbelt, smacks him on the arm for no reason, and like every other time they’ve hung out these past couple weeks, she says, “Call me tomorrow?” 

This time, he feels like fucking with her, says, “What if I don’t?” 

She tilts her head, smiles, and presses her fingers against his cheek. She’s cold. She pats him gently and says, “You will. Later, Scott.” 

“Later, Sawyer,” he echoes, watches her ass as she goes up the stairs, and waits til she turns out the porch light from inside the house before he backs out of her driveway. 

… … …

She walks into the gym because he said to meet her here and she figured it was as good a place as any to pick him up before heading down the coast to this tiny resort town where the house band at some bar is apparently good enough to warrant a look. He said he’d come with her, and that’s kind of their thing, anyway, him acting as a bodyguard, or something. That’s what Brooke says. Peyton just thinks he likes hanging out with her. He won’t admit that, really, but he’ll grin when she points it out, shrug a shoulder and let her come to the conclusion on her own. 

He’s playing with Skills and Clay, and they’re all shirtless and being way too competitive for this to be considered a ‘workout’. But Nathan’s the most competitive person she knows, and he has this way of making everyone else come up to his level. Or try. He dribbles easily around Clay, does this fancy little spin move and then drives the lane, knocking Skills on his ass, and scores.

Peyton walks over and sits on the bleachers, shouts, “Look at that body!” at no one in particular, just to see what happens. 

They, all three of them, stop and look at her like she’s paid them each a compliment. 

It’s Nathan who looks down at himself and then gives her a ridiculous nod like he used to when they were freaking kids. 

“I was talking to Clay,” she shouts, and it’s kind of a lie, but whatever. Nathan misses his basket and Clay’s checked out of the game, walking towards her. Skills catches the rebound and rolls his eyes. Peyton just laughs. 

Men are so predictable, honestly. 

Skills passes the ball to Nathan and she _knows_ he’s just showing off when he goes in for a monster dunk that has Skills shouting and running around the gym like they’re at the All Star game or something.

Nathan saunters over nonchalantly, grabs his tee shirt off the bleachers, and tells her, “I’m gonna shower real quick,” and she nods her head and Clay says something about there being an amazing soft serve place in this town they’re heading to. She wonders how he knows that, which must be all over her face, because he says something about knowing someone from there back in the day. She doesn’t ask a followup. 

Nathan walks back into the gym a few minutes later, jeans and shirt pulled on, but both undone. Peyton never said she wasn’t attracted to him, okay? God, look at the guy. 

“Jesus, Nathan,” Clay says, shaking his head. “Some discretion in front of the lady, maybe?” 

Peyton laughs out loud and Nathan just locks eyes with her and smirks before looking back at Clay. 

“Nothing she hasn’t seen before.” 

_Oh, my god_.

She grabs her bag and gets up, tells him she’ll be in the car and shouts goodbye to Skills, who’s still shooting around. She hears Nathan jogging behind her, and he catches up once they’re outside. He’s zipping his pants, then starts on the buttons of his shirt and she isn’t about to give his ego any more to go on than it already has; she keeps her eyes straight ahead until they get to the car, then he’s on the passenger side, looking over at her, and he gives her this smile before he pulls the door open to get inside. 

“Are you pissed?” he asks, and she shakes her head and cranks the engine. “Really?” 

“I’m not pissed.” She laughs a bit and he buckles his seatbelt. “I had to leave before you made me blush.” He looks like he’s feeling a little too accomplished with himself. “They both know how ridiculous you are, so.” 

“It’s been a while.” 

She keeps her eyes on the road as he pulls out of the parking lot. “Yeah,” she says quietly, and he doesn’t respond, so she looks over at him. He’s grinning like an idiot.

“I meant since I’ve made a comment like that, not since...” 

Shit.

“You’re a jackass, you know that?” 

“I’ve been told once or twice.” 

She figures it’s best if they just don’t talk for a few minutes, and turns on some music for the drive.

Eventually, he says, “So tell me about this band,” like he has almost every time they’ve taken one of these little trips. 

Peyton smiles over at him, waits til he smiles back, and then starts talking.


End file.
